by Lori Milner
When delivering feedback, you tend to focus on the conversation itself. While important, have you considered what must happen before the conversation? There is work before the work to ensure you can deliver your feedback with grace and compassion and the outcome of building this person rather than breaking them. Sometimes, you need to deliver hard outcomes, but how you do it will leave the person appreciative and inspired to change rather than defeated and resentful.
Here are some things to consider before you give feedback:
What judgements or opinions exist?
Be honest about any pre-existing judgements of this person. Ask yourself, what opinions or judgements do I have that might make me less objective?
Can you replace judgment and assumption with curiosity? Get curious rather than assume you know why someone couldn't deliver on their work.
What must have contributed to this behaviour? Everyone is living a story you know nothing about; are they going through a personal trauma like a divorce or a loss? Are they struggling with special needs kids? Did they encounter a financial issue?
The bottom is that if you're judging them, you cannot influence or learn from them.
Once you are honest about this, you will be in a better position to truly hear them and share your feedback with courage and compassion.
What's the desired outcome of the conversation?
Before the feedback session, consider the intended outcome after the meeting. How do you want to interact with this person going forward?
Ideally, you want them to receive, understand, and internalise it. You want them to hear the feedback from a place of care and support for their and the team's best interest.
You want them to feel clear on how to move ahead and what needs to change, and you're available if they need to check in with you or have any questions.
If this is the ultimate best-case scenario, consider what needs to happen for this outcome to be true.
Consider the alternative—they leave feeling devastated and shattered, with massive self-doubt and low confidence. For this scenario to be true, how did you deliver the feedback?
As Stephen Covey says, begin with the end in mind. Decide the outcome you aspire to and work backwards from there.
What state are you in?
Think back to a time when you were triggered and angry with someone. Did you send that email or WhatsApp? Did you say things you still regret?
To prevent a repeat of the situation, ensure you are calm and assertive before the meeting.
If you are still angry with them, wait. You will never make your best decisions or be open to hearing their story in this aggressive state.
When you can speak to the facts without emotion or attach labels to their identity – you are lazy, rude, etc. – then you can have the conversation.
Here is an engaged feedback checklist from Brene Brown to know if you're ready to have this discussion:
I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you).
I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes.
I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.
I am open to owning my part.
I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than criticize them for their failings.
I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity.
I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.
I am aware of power dynamics, implicit bias, and stereotypes.
What's your listening intention?
Before your next feedback or conversation, be honest about your listening intention.
· Listen to win – your goal is to show the person you are right and prove a point.
· Listen to fix – your goal is to fix the problem or give advice to make it disappear.
·Listen to understand and learn - you are truly curious and can listen with openness, compassion, and empathy.
Consider what needs to happen for you to be present in this conversation and genuinely hear what they have to say rather than waiting for your turn to speak.
Final thoughts.
Before your next feedback session, remember that your role as a leader begins before the feedback session. If you're only thinking about what you want to say and how you want to say it in the meeting, it's too late. Consider the work before the work:
· What judgements or opinions exist?
· What's the desired outcome of the conversation?
· What state are you in?
· What's your listening intention?
Here's to the journey of leadership,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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