by Lori Milner

Stress management is choice management. It’s not that one choice will define your whole day or suddenly generate anxiety and overwhelm. It’s that over time, a stacking of habitual choices starts to build up and inevitably leads to exhaustion, frustration, and even burnout.

Mental Health Awareness Month reminds us to self-observe these seemingly innocent habits so we can begin to self-correct. Here are the five most common anxiety-fueling habits to let go of to create calmer days that you don’t want to escape from. You may not identify with all these habits as you may have already mastered some from personal experience. As you go through the list, consider what shows up for you or use this as a discussion guide with your team to identify their stress triggers:

You don't say no.

Stress management is boundary management.

We all know this in theory, but in practice, saying no is difficult because we fear letting people down and not being liked. The most common scenario my clients share is that they have blocked out time for their work but find themselves giving that time to someone else because they happen to ask for it.

You don’t have to say no. You can say that you are finishing off a deadline or that you’re already committed at that time and will be available in two hours. Would that work?

When you constantly say yes to others, you are, by default, saying no to you. This stacking over time is where you feel drained, overworked and resentful.

Even more importantly, learn to protect your downtime after hours and on weekends. If you’re saying yes to arrangements out of guilt or fear, then it should be a polite no.

You don't ask for help.

The most common reasons people do not ask for help are a fear of being a burden to others and interfering with their needs or a fear of being seen as weak.

Even when you’re offered help, do you hear yourself wanting to say yes, but what comes out is a ‘no thanks, I got this.’

Consider what saying no does to the asker. Even in a simple scenario like a spouse or parent offering help with the kids, if you constantly say no because you don’t ‘want to impose on them’, you are denying them the opportunity to be of service to you.

Think about the joy that person will get from being able to help you and feel like they are being a contribution.

A more serious consideration is that when people offer help, and you constantly decline it, eventually, they will stop asking. The problem is that when they stop offering, you may feel resentful and even more trapped because you feel you cannot ask them. Find the courage to say yes to yourself first, and you will create days you have been dreaming of.

You expect everyone to know what you want.

This habit is linked to not asking for help because your thought process is that if you offer help and support to others, they will do it for you without you having to ask.

When you live by this belief, you are constantly disappointed because no one is a mind reader. Their lack of your desired response leaves you again feeling resentful and disappointed. Can you replace the habit of expectations with the habit of communication? Tell people what you need and what you want, and you’ll be amazed when they say yes and provide support without requiring a reason.

You don't hold people accountable.

When you find yourself overloaded and overwhelmed, a common contributing factor is not holding the team accountable for non-delivery. In my work as a coach, leaders tell me that their intention is to protect their team. So they will either pick up the pieces and do the work themselves, or their silence becomes permission.

Unfortunately, without consequences for non-delivery, it becomes team culture because everyone is watching this unfold. The very thing you are trying to avoid gets created.

Replace the habit of protecting the team with the habit of growing the team.

When you try to prevent them from making mistakes, you are stunting their growth. Holding someone accountable doesn’t mean you need to do it negatively or break their confidence. Rather than view it as a conversation to dread and avoid, see it as an opportunity to learn and understand.

If you agreed to a deadline for a task and it was missed, make time to chat with the person and ask, "What’s the barrier for you to complete this? Where do you need my support?" Help me understand: What resistance did you have to complete this?

First, you need to understand their world but then follow up with a new agreement.

You avoid discomfort.

Stress is created by a thought in the mind that you are in danger.

As there are no longer sabretooth tigers roaming the boardrooms, the danger comes in the form of courageous conversations, conflict, speaking up in meetings, or even putting yourself forward for a new challenge, either personally or professionally. When you courageously embrace discomfort and the unknown, the main sources of your stressful thinking tend to dissipate.

For some, conflict is not something to be feared but an opportunity for connection. It’s a way to engage in healthy debate, share opinions, and collaborate on a solution—so long as it is done respectfully. When you avoid the conversation to delay discomfort, you will create more stress because it begins to take up mental bandwidth. Not only do you imagine the worst-case scenario about how the conversation might go, generating more anxiety, but you bring it into the present moment and begin living it. No wonder you are stressed!

Replace the habit of avoidance with communication and curiosity.

Pick up the phone or have a face-to-face if possible, and don’t sugarcoat the truth. Most people fear this conversation to avoid upsetting the person, but remember, if you need to deliver bad news, like a delay, tell them what you can do. Manage their expectations with regular feedback, even if you don’t have official news yet. Silence drives people into insecurity and a sense of not being seen. Share what’s happening in the background and what you are doing to solve the problem. Even if you don’t have the feedback they want at that point, at least you are managing expectations.

Final thoughts.

When I ask my clients what an ideal average day looks like, the answer is never about achieving remarkable goals or building an empire. An ideal day is when they show up in the calendar, and worry isn’t the driving force but rather a calmer, more relaxed productivity. It’s about getting the right things done and living an unhurried life. It’s not about balance but about choices.

Choose to let go of the default habits that fuel anxiety and replace them with better choices:

Say no.
Ask for help.
Communicate your needs.
Hold people accountable.
Embrace discomfort.

Here’s to living the unhurried life,

Warm wishes

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.