by Lori Milner

Happiness is subjective because we all have different rules for what it will take to be happy. I am not here to give you a magic formula but rather to offer a set of questions to help you understand what it means for you.

How do you determine your unique formula for happiness?

What's your blueprint?

Think about an area of your life you're happy with. Is it your finances, your relationship with someone special, your family, your health or your work?

Now, think about an area of your life you are unhappy with.

What makes the difference between what you consider qualifies as happiness and unhappiness?

According to Personal Development expert Tony Robbins, it's whether or not your blueprint of how you think life is supposed to be matches up to your current reality.

Most of us are frustrated with an area of our life because we feel like 'I should be further by now, or I should be earning more by now'. In other words, your expectations do not match reality.

When you're happy, it's because your blueprint matches your reality or even exceeds it. Maybe you thought you would never get married, but now you have a beautiful family.

Unhappiness shows up when your blueprint does not match reality.

What's the way forward to close this gap? You have three options:

1. You can blame – external circumstances, the past or yourself. The problem with blaming is that it leaves you feeling powerless to change anything, which will amplify your feelings of unhappiness.

2. You can change your blueprint – consider when you created this blueprint. Were you in a different phase of your life, have circumstances dramatically changed, and if you're honest, does this blueprint still make sense? Also, consider if you have changed what you value and if these criteria are no longer relevant.

3. You can take new actions – if you feel you should be in a different place to your current reality, then decide what new action you can take to change it. Do you need to further your studies, do you need to change roles, do you need to stop procrastinating and avoid discomfort?

Option one is never viable, but when you change your blueprint or take different actions, you can begin to create an updated blueprint that makes it easier to experience happiness.

The true motivator is progress. When you can see you are taking small steps of action in the direction of your goal, your whole state changes because what once seemed impossible is slowly coming to fruition.

You can't control exactly how the blueprint will unfold, but you can control your actions toward it.

How do you navigate happiness en route to creating your new goals?

What if you want the title of CEO to be happy, but you're not there yet? You can't be miserable until you reach this magic destination.

How do you continue to strive satisfied on the journey to the goal?

We know we should focus on the process, but what happens when the process doesn't go according to your preferences?

What happens when the process takes longer than you want it to?

How do you give yourself permission to choose happiness irrespective of the external circumstances?

"If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free." – Ajahn Chah.

Another variation of this quote is:

"If you let go a little, you will have a little peace; if you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace; if you let go completely, you will have complete peace." – Ajahn Chah.

So what does he mean?

Letting go does not mean giving up or being apathetic. It means taking action, but don't get attached to the outcome or how you think it's meant to unfold.

Let's say you have an important meeting scheduled, and you have placed a meaning that the whole future of your career rests in this meeting. Or it's a potential opportunity that could really change things for you, and you are so excited and feel like you are on cloud nine.

Now the meeting gets moved out, or worse, the client says no or not now.

Do you allow your state of happiness to dwindle because of the opinion of one person? The truth is you lost nothing; you lost the idea of what it could have meant, but in reality, you are not worse off.

How often do you place your happiness in the hands of others – if they like your idea, you're elated. If they miss the meeting, you're devastated. If they don't reply to your email within the hour, you interpret it to mean they are ignoring you on purpose.

Letting go is sending the email without an attachment to their response.

One of my clients was waiting for a deal to be signed, which would have a huge impact on the growth of her business. She was dealing with a much larger organisation with a lot of red tape, and so naturally, things would take longer.

Rather than wait for her contact to respond with an openness to when it would be signed, she has held onto the outcome with tight fists, almost throttling it. This meant she couldn't allow herself to relax and enjoy other areas of the business or even her life until this deal had finality.

This attachment to the outcome was impacting her daily happiness and blocking out all the good that was present.

Letting go means she can allow the next step of the deal to unfold in its own timing while continuing to enjoy all areas of her life. Her happiness doesn't have to be held hostage to something she has no control over.

Does this resonate with you?

Letting go is trusting that if something is meant to happen, then it will, and it will be on its own perfect timing plan, even if that is not your timing plan.

You are welcome to feel disappointed or let down, but you must decide how long you want to stay there before you decide to feel good again.

The point is not to pretend to be in a state of bliss all the time; that's not realistic. Rather, begin to create an awareness of how often you allow external circumstances to dictate your mood. If you can move into trust and let go, then you can realise it was never yours to begin with.

Let's recap.

You are happy when your blueprint of how life is supposed to be matches your reality.

This is conditional – certain things must happen to produce happiness.

Letting go is about non-attachment and starting to loosen your grip on what the conditions need to be in place for you to feel like you are worthy of happiness.

Unconditional happiness is the ultimate choice.

Choose contentment.

When I ask clients if they feel content, or at least allow themselves to feel content, you can feel a tightening and a rigidity in them.

There is an underlying fear of contentment – it's associated with apathy, giving up or no longer striving and achieving.

The truth is, you have to acknowledge and be grateful for what is in your life first.

Acknowledge where you are now, the wins and successes you have achieved and who you have become. It's not stopping; it's pausing to reflect and take it in. It's savouring your achievements while on the journey to whatever is next for you.

Contentment is the realisation and appreciation that nothing is missing in this moment. Sure, you may want to make more money or contribute more and leave a legacy, but that's all to come in the future.

Contentment is being able to appreciate the present, even if it is imperfectly perfect.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus.

What makes you happy?

James Hollis is a Jungian Analyst and provides a final insight to help you craft your happiness blueprint.

He says that when you're facing a significant fork in the road or a choice about how to live your life, a better question than asking, "What will make me happy?" is:

"Does this choice enlarge me or diminish me?".

Another variation is 'Does this choice contract or expand me?'.

You can always mentally justify whether something will make you happy, but when you ask if something enlarges or expands you, that feels more like a heart question. Does it fill you with excitement and a sense of joy?

Let's say you've been offered an opportunity at work to do some advanced training, which requires you to give up personal time in the week after work hours.

You could justify that it's a good opportunity and will give you extra skills, but in your heart, you know it's violating your values of family and freedom. The thought of having more to take on, knowing how stretched you are, is going to constrict and contract you.

Someone else who is in a different life stage is elated by the opportunity and can feel themselves literally expanding with excitement.

It's not always going to be such a simple decision, but asking yourself this as a framing question will always lead you to your truth, even if it's not an easy decision to make.

Final thoughts.

There is a missing piece to the happiness formula; it is unconditional self-acceptance because you can't live a life hoping external circumstances or other people will fill you up. It has to be generated from within.

Jon Kabat-Zinn said wherever you go, there you are. This means you can be in the most beautiful setting, but if you are not content with yourself, you will find a reason to create unhappiness. You will always zoom in on what is missing and what still needs to happen to complete the transaction of happiness.

Why does this matter?

"Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have." - Zig Ziglar.

· Happiness is a choice you get to make every day.

· You get to decide what your new blueprint is.

· You get to decide what action you will take.

· You get to decide to let go of the outcome and allow things to happen on their own timing plan.

· You get to choose contentment for no reason.

· You get to choose things that expand you.

· You get to choose to accept yourself unconditionally.

In the words of Ralph Marston:

"Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you."

Here's to choosing happiness.

Warm wishes,

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.