by Lori Milner
The real way to harmony is to interrupt the inner conflict between how you would like to spend your time and how you think you should be spending it. I am not here to provide a magic formula to create harmony with how you divide your time. However, I can gift you ten questions from Oliver Burkeman's book, Four Thousand Weeks, which provide some thought-provoking questions to help you determine what matters for you now. I say now because these choices will ultimately change based on life stage, circumstances and values, which are constantly evolving.
If you missed part one of this article, go back and discover the first five questions. Here we go:
How would you spend your days differently if you didn't care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?
We all get addicted to the outcome and the results even though we know the joy is in the process and who you are becoming through this journey.
This approach seriously disrupts harmony because the driving mantra is 'I'm not there yet', and every time life decides to derail or reroute your perfect plan, you get further frustrated.
What if instead of chasing the end result, like money, you focused on the feeling that doing the work gives you?
When you focus on the feeling and adding value, the money will always follow. Harmony is in the act of service, whatever that looks like for you, whether it's serving your clients, your company, or your family.
The end result is not always within your control, but your attitude and how you show up to the work are always within your control.
When you feel your frustration rising, remind yourself to focus on the feeling.
What are you willing to strategically underachieve in?
When you can tick off all your to-do list items and get to inbox zero, you feel like you are the master of your world.
There's a cost to this, of course. You can only get it all done by deciding in advance what you are willing to let go of. What can you be comfortable with neglecting and knowing it won't be to your usual standards but have peace in the decision?
"You'll inevitably end up underachieving at something simply because your time and energy are finite. But the great benefit of strategic underachievement – that is, nominating in advance whole areas of life in which you won't expect excellence of yourself – is that you focus that time and energy more effectively".
"When you can't do it all, you feel ashamed and give up," notes the author Jon Acuff, but when you "decide in advance what things you're going to bomb … you remove the sting of shame." A poorly kept lawn or a cluttered kitchen is less troubling when you've preselected "lawn care" or "kitchen tidiness" as goals to which you'll devote zero energy". – Oliver Burkeman.
What can you strategically underachieve?
Can you find novelty in the mundane?
I struggled with this a lot to the extent that I nearly left it out. My philosophy is that if something triggers me, then it means I should explore it further.
First, it sounded really cheesy to look for novelty in the daily routines to make life feel more exciting when we get caught up in Groundhog Day.
I often find myself researching the next holiday, and then when I'm on holiday, I'm already thinking about the next one, much to my husband's frustration. It's not that I don't appreciate it; it's that my soul feels alive when I create new experiences.
Then I sat with the question—why do I crave travel so much? I realised it's because that's when I feel most connected to my family. It's creating new memories and experiencing new things together.
More questions followed: How can I create connection in the mundane? How can I add more novelty with a simple board game or our evening meal? It's replacing expectations with appreciation and focusing on what I have, not what is missing.
The reality is that we cannot escape to new experiences as often as we would like, which results in frustration and disharmony.
"An alternative, Shinzen Young explains, is to pay more attention to every moment, however mundane: to find novelty not by doing radically different things but by plunging more deeply into the life you already have." – Oliver Burkeman.
Are you willing to ask the large questions?
In the book Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman shares an interview with Jungian Analyst James Hollis. This is his take on asking yourself the big questions:
"The real issue is people don't ask large questions. If you don't ask large questions, you're going to have a small life. I don't say it judgmentally. I say it with sympathy. Large questions bring you a larger journey.
What really does matter to me?
What is on automatic pilot?
What fear is driving this repetitive pattern?
What kind of payoff do I get through my avoidances in life?
What do I want?
Here's a really big question Oliver quotes from Carl Jung that feels like a punch in the gut: Can you be bold enough to sit with it?
"The greatest burden that a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents"—boy, if you're a parent, find where the energy wants to go in your life. And when you track that, the energy returns to you."
The bigger question is, where do you need to direct your energy?
Does this task enlarge or diminish you?
Harmony is about the energy the task brings out in you.
If something expands or enlarges you, it fills you up with excitement, and time disappears.
When something contracts you or diminishes you, it feels like you are contradicting what matters to you, and it brings up all the lower-level emotions of fear, resentment, anger or even shame.
Doing something that feels untrue to you will never create harmony, even if you can justify the rewards. When you chase something, and it doesn't expand you, don't expect to create harmony in your world.
If it's something you have to do, you can either change your procedure or your perception.
What's the attitude towards the task? Can you find the benefits and how they link to your highest values? Perhaps you feel like you are being squeezed into a mould and having to do a task someone else's way, and this contracts you.
How can you bring your unique flavour and spin to the task so that it expands you and creates joy?
The beauty of this question is that it is your north star on where to direct your time. If you are invited to attend something or get involved in a new project, ask yourself - Does this expand or contract me? You'll know the answer.
Harmony is attained when you can choose the direction of expansion and overcome the guilt and fears of whether people will still like you if you say no.
Final thoughts.
True harmony is the feeling that you are living in alignment with your values. It's coming to terms with what really makes you happy versus how you think you should be living your life.
When you feel yourself going off balance, tip the scales in the direction of harmony by reminding yourself of who you are with these trigger questions:
Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort when what's called for is a little discomfort?
Do you create leisure time?
Are you holding yourself to and judging yourself by standards of productivity or performance that are impossible to meet?
In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be?
In which areas of life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you're doing?
How would you spend your days differently if you didn't care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?
What are you willing to strategically underachieve in?
Can you find novelty in the mundane?
Are you willing to ask the large questions?
Does this task enlarge or diminish you?
Here's to creating your version of harmony,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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