by Lori Milner
Have you ever had an experience where you shot lights out? The presentation was flawless; you were at your most confident, and the answers flowed so naturally. Then…have you ever had an experience in which you are still remorseful about what you did, what you said, and how you reacted? We all have.
What's the difference in the two scenarios because you're the same person? It comes down to the state you were in at the time.
The second scenario usually involves anger, frustration, or resentment. You were triggered in the moment and lost control; you moved from noticing your angry feelings to being consumed by them and acting accordingly.
Anger is not an easy emotion to speak about, and we tend to want to sweep it under the rug. Other people get angry, not me!
Anger is not just an emotion directed at other people; it can also be a sense that you're losing control of a situation, feeling like something you value is being taken away or a feeling of loss. More often than not, it's about vicious anger directed towards yourself.
What's your relationship to anger?
Some people have no problem expressing their anger, whereas others deny it or repress it.
The problem with repressing anger is that it doesn't disappear; it simply leaks out in other forms like irritation, resentment, or snarky comments.
What creates the state of anger?
According to Personal Development expert Tony Robbins, three elements create our state:
Physiology – what you do with your body.
Focus – where you anchor your attention.
Language–the word you attach to your experience becomes your experience.
These three elements combine to create a meaning, and this is what creates our emotional state.
Physiology.
There are habitual body language patterns that create our emotions. For example, if I asked you to imagine a depressed person, you can picture them standing with their shoulders down, their head down, breathing shallowly and talking very softly and slowly. There is a physiology to sadness and equally to anger or happiness.
The question is, how do you know you have been triggered? Think back to the last time something or someone made you angry – where did you feel it in your body?
Do you feel it in your stomach, neck, jaw tightening, or fists clenching? If you have no idea, start paying attention to your body's wisdom because it knows before you do.
If you can tune into this and bring awareness to it, you can insert a mental pause button when you need it most. This small gap is the space to decide whether to respond mindfully or react regretfully.
Focus.
The second element to creating the state of anger is focus. Do you focus on the past or the future? Do you focus on what's missing or what you have? Did you focus on what was done to you or perhaps your contribution to the situation?
Our focus is also affected by internal triggers. We are sensitive to aspects that also influence our focus of attention. What triggers one person does not always affect another.
What are your internal triggers?
We all have specific triggers that catapult us from feeling calm and content to frustrated or angry. Think about what these are for you. Here are some ideas:
Being in conflict and feeling taken advantage of
Being criticised and others' lack of follow-through
Being taken for granted and not being heard or excluded
Being set up for failure and not receiving credit for work done
Being ignored, overwhelmed or surprised
Being under external pressure and another's lack of commitment
Being confined and restricted and not being taken seriously
Being controlled and being blindsided
Think back to a time someone lost their temper with you; it most likely had nothing to do with you but something that triggered them and their state.
The more you can make the invisible triggers visible, the more you can self-correct, prepare yourself for certain situations and notice when you have been triggered so you can insert that pause button.
It's one thing to reflect on a past experience, but the damage is already done. The true superpower is catching yourself in the present moment so you can choose your response in real-time.
Language.
When you feel angry, how do you describe the situation? Saying they did this to me or they don't care is going to trigger many emotions. Consider if you direct the anger towards yourself – you should have known better; you are such an idiot!
Words, like betrayed, deceived, or humiliated, amplify emotion. Rather than saying you're furious with this person, what if you told yourself you're a little peeved? Not only does this bring some lightness to the situation, but it also diffuses the level of emotion you bring to it.
This matters because the words we use create a biochemical reaction in our body. The word furious will trigger stress hormones like cortisol, and over time, this takes its toll on both physical and mental health.
What does it mean?
The combination of our physiology, focus, and language creates a meaning that we can apply to the situation.
If you send someone a WhatsApp and see the blue ticks, but they don't respond, what's your first assumption? They are ignoring me! You build up a story in your head, and you generate feelings of anger and frustration towards them.
Later, you find out that they were in a workshop or that something serious happened, and they couldn't attend to their phone at that point.
The word you attach to your experience becomes your experience.
Catch yourself when you label situations without all the facts. Equally, consider some alternative meanings you can apply to the situation.
It's not trying to sugarcoat a situation; it's that in the absence of information, we come to our own conclusions, which are rarely the truth. It's our version of a story.
One of my clients was angry that a team member never got a task done on time. She took this to mean that this person was messing around and not taking the team seriously. I asked her to consider some other possible alternatives, such as if they were overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. Perhaps they are too scared to confront her because of how she may react.
As it turned out, this was the case.
How do you interrupt your pattern?
Anger is a habitual pattern of physiology, focus and language. There is nothing wrong with being angry or expressing emotion when appropriate, but consider whether this is your emotional home.
Is your default response anger? If so, how can you begin to interrupt the pattern?
First, notice that you are angry; pay attention to where you feel it in your body.
Name it – oh, I am getting annoyed or irritated. When you name the emotion, it loses the power it has over you. You can say I have feelings of anger towards this person rather than I am angry because then it becomes your identity.
Then pause. Breath is the greatest tool to force a mental pause button and calm your nervous system.
Stop fueling the fire with vicious self-talk towards yourself or muttering under your breath about the other person. "They are so selfish, they don't care about me!" or whatever words you typically use.
Now, do something different to interrupt the pattern.
If the only thing you do is to pause and take a few breaths, you will completely shift this pattern.
If you would normally storm into someone's office, shout, or hit something, force a smile or remove yourself from the environment. Get outside or walk to get water; the point is to create a new behaviour that interrupts the pattern of habitual anger.
This is called a practice for a reason. There will be times when you can stop the habitual pattern unfolding, and then there are times when you are so identified with the anger that it's too late, and you rant and shout and lose your temper.
The point is to get better at noticing it sooner and course-correcting accordingly.
Anger is an emotion; it is not permanent. In the wise words of Russ Hudson:
"When we allow our anger without resisting it, it usually arises like a wave and passes through us within a minute. When we resist anger or hang on to it, it perpetuates itself in increasing obsessive thinking, emotional constriction, and physical tension. Even when these thinking patterns have run their course, the anger remains stored in the body, locked in muscular tension and habitual behaviours such as pacing, nail-biting, and teeth grinding."
Final thoughts.
For some, anger can be rocket fuel to motivate action, even if it's to prove someone wrong. However, when anger is the dominant emotion that drives you, it will damage your relationships, not only with others but also with yourself.
To make a change, we need leverage. Something that we value more than the habit we are holding onto:
Questions to help you break the habitual pattern of anger:
What do you value more than anger?
What's the cost of the anger?
Do you connect to people through apologising?
Do you connect to people through fear and domination?
What's the cost of not changing?
The point of this article is not to make anger wrong; it's to make the invisible visible so you can create the desired emotions you want to experience more of and release the debilitating emotions you would like to let go of.
Let anger be a place you visit once in a while when it makes sense because there are times when it makes perfect sense. But the point is to visit, not to live there.
When you stay too long in anger or dwell in grudges, you rarely make your best decisions from this state. When you are angry, you will also give the situation a different meaning than when you are more neutral.
When we find our way back to acceptance, contentment, gratitude and joy, we will always make our best decisions and see the situation as it is, not worse than it is.
Here's to the journey of self-awareness.
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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