by Lori Milner
What astounds me when working with female entrepreneurs is how each conversation shares so many similarities and consistent themes despite each person's unique journey. Rather than writing my usual blog format, I would like to share my most gifted advice. I have removed any personal details and names so confidentiality is not compromised. What remains is the raw truth of what we all feel, experience and face daily. My invitation is for you to find your truth and where you are in your entrepreneurial journey, but above all, I want you to know that you are not alone.
"Do you view certain tasks or responsibilities as 'in the way' versus 'on the way'? When you see these tasks as an interruption to your 'real business', it builds up resentment.”
Are there parts of your business that you feel are 'in the way', such as day-to-day operations tasks, that you feel are keeping you from working on the important strategic or creative parts? When you view tasks or personal commitments as 'in the way', you begin to resent them. Can you view these tasks as 'on the way' instead? Can you have an appreciation for them and what you are learning from them? How do they make you a better leader?
During Covid-19, homeschooling and online lessons felt in the way of what I needed to achieve in my business. When I shifted my attitude that they were on the way – that's where I was meant to be and what was meant to take my attention, I could drop the emotional charge and embrace what was required of me during that time with appreciation and gratitude.
"When you get to the place you are working towards, what will that look like? When you finally get 'there', what does there mean?
This particular client was transitioning between stepping out of her current business and moving into a new one that was still in its infancy. When I asked her this question, there was a long pause because, despite all the striving and pressure she had put on herself to achieve this goal, there wasn't a clear vision of what success would look like. Do you know what this place looks like for you? How will you know when you arrive?
"This is not permanent; you will get to the place you are working towards, but do not put pressure on yourself to complete this in an unrealistic period of time.”
When you believe a situation is permanent, you move into what's known as learned helplessness. It's a belief that you are powerless to change your situation based on past experience. Are you trying to bend reality to your perfect timing plan? Can you embrace divine timing that everything is unfolding exactly as it's meant to? If it's not coming as quickly as you wish, consider whether this creates more space for other priorities in your life right now. Are you being too demanding of yourself, considering your personal life demands and business circumstances? Wherever you are now, it will change, but navigate this time with kindness and compassion towards yourself.
"Apart from being a businesswoman, you have many roles which demand your time and energy. Often, we place our self-worth on our work achievements alone; it is important also to place value on all your roles.”
What are you doing to schedule yourself on the calendar to generate energy for yourself? Do you have a morning routine? Do you make time to exercise, meditate, journal and do activities that energise you from the inside out? Are you basing your self-worth on work achievements and becoming a human doing rather than a human being? What would happen if you made time to pause? Rather than only see your value in your work, remind yourself of the value you create as a mother, sister, wife, friend, partner and everything in between.
"Create a lifestyle business that works within your world – not what you feel you 'should be creating'. It's all about lifestyle design – how many clients would you like? What hours would you like to work? How much free time do you allow yourself?”
There is no one way to create a business. For me, my business must allow me to live my highest values—family, time freedom, financial freedom, fulfilment, and fun. You are the master of your diary – are you creating a business that generates your highest values? Rather than tell yourself that you don't have time, live by design and create days you never want to escape from. "When you make a business, you get to make a little universe where you control all the laws. This is your utopia. When you can make it a dream come true for yourself, it'll be a dream come true for someone else, too." – Derek Sivers.
"The quality of your life is proportional to how much uncertainty you can comfortably sit in – can you be comfortable with discomfort in not knowing which ideas will work? Even if they don't, you have lost nothing; it is all a lesson and an opportunity to grow.”
My toughest lesson is learning to let go of needing certainty to feel happy. I want to know exactly what my diary will look like for the next six months. This is not a winning strategy because, in my world of training and coaching, it works differently. What I've learnt is to lean further into trust. I trust that the next client is on its way, trusting that if I keep taking action, then the results will come, but not always in the way I expect, and that's OK. I've learned to embrace the quieter weeks instead of feeling like a failure, and now I am extremely grateful for the time I have to write, create, and slow down the pace.
I started my business in 2011, so at this point, I know it's on the way and that as much as I want to control and predict my world, it only creates anxiety and removes the joy. The more comfortable you can be with not knowing and being OK with it, the more you can enjoy the journey. "Even though you are new to your industry, this is not a reason not to charge for your services. You need to internalise this as part of your identity. Even if you have a limited amount of experience, you have unique skills, and it's your time and creative input that people are paying for. To charge for your services with confidence starts with self-belief and knowing the value that you bring to people. When you can internalise this, you will have no issue charging and eventually be confident enough to raise your rates as you become busier.”
What's your relationship with money? How comfortable are you charging the correct rates for your services? Do you second guess yourself and come in cheaper so you'll secure the business? This race to the bottom is a risky strategy because of price/quality association. You may be superior in your business, but if clients feel you are too cheap, they may question the quality they are getting. This took me years to internalise, but truly, the day I began to believe in myself and the value I bring, everything changed.
When a client declines a proposal, I no longer second-guess myself but tell myself that they are not meant to be my client. You get what you tolerate. Is it time to raise your rates? Is it time to permit yourself to internalise how amazing you are and that you are worth it? Rather than fear what you could lose, focus on what you can gain - who do you want to work with? What kinds of projects excite you? Place value on the contribution you bring and the value you add and the clients will follow.
"Spend time daily with a gratitude practice, either journaling or spending a few minutes before bed reflecting on everything you can be grateful for."
Gratitude is powerful because it reminds you to focus on what you have rather than what is missing. It's easy to get lost in focusing on the clients you still don't have or the income you aspire to. Gratitude allows you to fill your resource cup and remind you of what is present in your life. You have to be grateful for what you have now – the clients you have, the products you create, the service and skills you have- and be grateful for it all. From this place, you can invite more people in, but start by acknowledging that it's all imperfectly perfect.
"As a high performer, it is important to acknowledge your wins so you can integrate them as part of your identity. When you do this, you will not feel like an imposter.”
What would your twenty-year-old self say about you? I am sure they would be blown away by how far you have come. We are generally not great at acknowledging our wins; it's a brief moment, and then we are straight on to the next goal. Savouring your wins is not about being complacent or not striving. It's about integrating them into who you are— I am the kind of person who can achieve this. If you keep sweeping your wins under the rug, you arrive at the big deal or client and feel like you don't deserve to be there. If you integrate who you are becoming with each success, no matter how small, you will arrive at the destination knowing this is your time and you deserve to be there.
"Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do is relax and allow your mind to wander – what do you do for fun? How do you let go?”
You don't need to earn relaxation time; it is critical for you to recharge to produce your best work. Can you let go of the attachment to the outcome? In other words, what if you spent time doing something just because you enjoyed it? I remember telling my coach I wanted to sign up for a blogging course, but I felt like I was 'stealing' time from the business because it was just for me. Then I took the plunge and took the course, and I loved it. It gave me so many ideas and expanded me so much. The growth wasn't in what I learned about being a better writer; it was the act of unconditional friendliness towards myself and allowing myself space and time to focus on something I loved.
What energises you? Is it baking, painting, dance, design, or music? Whatever it is for you, block out time for it because this is where you will get your best ideas and connect with your true self. Can you be a little more unconditionally friendly and kind towards yourself and make space for what brings you joy?
In the wise words of Oliver Burkeman:
"In order to most fully inhabit the only life you ever get, you have to refrain from using every spare hour for personal growth."
Here are some additional questions to contemplate in your journaling:
· How can you show up as your authentic self rather than your perfect self?
· How can you be kinder to yourself today?
· How can you have fun and enjoy the process of building this business?
Final thoughts.
I hope this piece has given you some aha moments and a warm sense of knowing we are all going through the same journey in our own unique way. Perhaps some points resonated more than others or highlighted how far you've come and that these do not show up for you anymore. When you find yourself chanting the mantra of 'you should be further by now, or things shouldn't be this way', pause and smile and remember that you are not alone in your frustrations. When in doubt, do something kind for yourself and remind yourself – this is your time, and it’s on the way.
Here's to your unique journey,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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