To Create the Life You Want, You May Need to Fire or Retire Your Current Self

by Lori Milner

The difference between where you are and where you want to be is found in the dance between your current self and your future self. A dance is successful when both people are in a rhythm, with the understanding that one person needs to lead and the other needs to follow.

Now, let's use this metaphor for your life. If you are not where you want to be, consider what your current self is doing or not doing that prevents the success you aspire to. Now, fast forward three years ahead, and if life were exactly as you wished it to be, what would you see? Who is this fabulous future you three years from today? What are their habits, choices, and energy to enable you to reach this place you are constantly heading towards?

On this basis, you have approved of your future self because they have created the reality you strive for. To move from where you are to where you want to go requires a dance between your current and future self. This means one needs to be the leader, and one needs to follow.

Suppose you are currently giving into instant gratification and hitting snooze, procrastinating, and not taking the right actions. In that case, your current self is leading the dance, and your poor future self has no choice but to follow.

If you don't take your health seriously, overwork, overcommit and neglect your self-care, your future self will pay the price of your choices. Surely it makes more sense for your future self to lead the dance, and your current self will have no choice but to follow? So, where does this leave us?

Your future self is always watching; your job is to make them happy. If you have already approved of this future self, why not use them as motivation? When I have to work on a challenging article or presentation and catch myself avoiding the task, I always imagine my future self-shaking her head at me and wishing I just got on with it because it would make us both happier.

It's a simple thought but enough to catapult me out of avoidance and into action and progress. I can tell you I am always happier and more energised when I have started on the proposal or presentation.

If this theory were flawless, we would all be billionaires with six-pack abs, says entrepreneur Derek Sivers. We know what to do, and our future self would be grateful if we made better choices when it counts, yet we still seem to default to patterns of behaviours, emotions and thoughts that don't serve us.

In other words, our current self is still leading the dance, is out of tune, and is stepping on our future self's toes.

What to do about it? Identify the current version of yourself who is sabotaging your dream. Now, things get a little more challenging. We have multiple versions of our current selves, normally attached to our roles.

Entrepreneur Bryan Johnson distinguishes his current self by morning Bryan and evening Bryan. Evening Bryan took the lead in the dance, which resulted in severe burnout and depression. Once he identified the culprit, he had to figure out how to fire evening Bryan from the lead decision maker and empower morning Bryan.

The shift was life-changing, and he is now one of the world's healthiest people and has even reversed his ageing process. I am not advocating his Blueprint methodology, but I love his story about how he shifted his entire world by the decision to fire evening Bryan.

Here's Bryan's story about identifying the current version of himself that was sabotaging him:

"For me, it was 7 pm Bryan, who would eat everything in sight to try and momentarily escape life's pain. He is a monster, overpowering and indifferent about all other Bryans' needs. A sweet talker and expert rationaliser. 7 pm Bryan ruins life quality for all other Bryans: awful sleep, overweight, poor health, accelerated ageing disease, turbulent emotions, depressing life outlook. The solution: revoking 7 pm Bryan's authority to eat food.

Now, it's your turn:

Step 1: Identify your 20% rascal.

Step 2: List what decisions they are and are not authorised to make

Step 3: Wait for them to appear

Step 4: Approve or deny their requests using the Step 2 list

Step 5: Celebrate Happy you for stopping self-harm.

Believe it or not, this is your most consequential and powerful life intervention."

Now it's your turn.

Consider what an ideal average day would look like for you from when you wake up until you sleep. Now, compare your ideal day to your current one. When do you tend to make poorer choices? It is morning you who hits the snooze button?

It is an afternoon you who didn't get enough sleep, didn't take a break all day and now take it out on the poor unsuspecting colleague or, worse, a family member who gets you at the wrong moment? Does the afternoon you go for every greasy snack in sight desperately to generate energy?

You cannot interrupt a pattern you are not aware of. You can only make the changes you want if you know who is responsible.

Christopher Heautz, author of The Sacred Enneagram, says, "If we can't self-observe, then we can't self-correct".

We have to accept all the parts of ourselves and not make any part wrong; from this place of compassionate self-awareness, we can plan and take power away from this part of us that is holding onto bad habits. Every behaviour has a good intention.

Consider why you have created the self-sabotaging behaviour. It's all with a positive intent for self-protection. If you constantly avoid challenging opportunities, you are trying to keep yourself safe from being judged and possibly failing. Now, this does not serve future you in the long term because you are preventing valuable lessons, opportunities, and growth.

Now that you have identified the version of you who isn't serving you, it's time to fire them or retire them. You can give them a name and thank them for their service, but to reach your potential, someone else has to take over the reins and let go of trying to lead the dance. The more empowered version of current you needs to be OK with uncertainty and allow the future you to take over.

Final thoughts.

Looking at your actions from this perspective, you can be more self-forgiving and self-compassionate. What you reveal is a third force running the show, the old version of yourself who held onto how things used to be or what made you comfortable. Remember, they did their best with the resources they had at the time. Now that you know better, do better.

It's tough love, but to close the gap between where you are and where you aspire to, fire, or retire your previous self or send them on a long sabbatical forever. Now, hire a new, current version who will gladly allow your future self to take the lead and move into uncertainty, discomfort, and the change you seek to make.

Here's to the dance of life,

Warm wishes,

Lori

---

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.

More articles by Lori