by Lori Milner

Interpersonal relationships can be one the greatest sources of energy builders and drainers for people. It has nothing to do with their colleagues but everything to do with them and their interpretation of a situation.

Emotional contagion is real; if you allow your external environment to drain you instead of energising you, consider the impact on the people around you.

Anyone can build better relationships at work by adopting a new set of habits; in this case, there are habits you need to stop doing to create the desired results.

#1 You take it personally

Think about the last conversation that triggered you at work; with hindsight, was it really about the situation, or did you take it personally?

Let's say your boss commented about your team's performance not being where it should be. Rather than take the feedback constructively, you go inwards and make the situation personal. You interpret the comment that you let the entire team and your boss down.

You forget how many moving parts you must deal with and how many people you must rely on to ensure success. You interpret the comment as all your fault, which is not practical or realistic; even if you know this logically, the impact is that it drains you and brings up all kinds of emotions like self-doubt.

Another typical situation is when a work colleague arrives in a bad mood or not their typical smiley self. Rather than ask them how they are, you assume immediately that you must have done something wrong, and they are upset with you.

Everyone lives a story you know nothing about; consider what else could cause their upset. Could they have heard bad news about a family member or a health issue? Perhaps they fought with their partner that morning. The possibilities are endless; rather than default to taking it personally, ask them how they are, if they need a chat, or if you can get them a coffee.

More often than not, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If your default is to go inward and focus on yourself, how about replacing this habit with contribution?

#2 You expect people to know what you want

When you hear yourself say, 'But they should know', this is an alarm bell to pause before your irritation gets to unmanageable levels.

Perhaps you explained to a colleague what you need for a piece of work, and it either doesn't get done or it doesn't get done how you expect it to. This is when you need to check in with yourself – did you clearly express what you need, by when and in what format, or did you assume they should know this already?

To prevent this from happening, replace the habit of expecting with creating new agreements. Rather than expect someone to finish it by Friday, chat with them, tell them what is required, and agree with them if it can be delivered by Friday.

Either they will agree, and now, if they drop the ball, the accountability conversation is much easier because they have to own their mistake. They committed, and they have to confront this.

Or they may share that it is impossible to finish it by Friday because of other commitments, or they are on leave that day. Whatever it is, you have brought them into the conversation, and now they are part of the agreement.

When you don't express what you want from someone, and they don't respond as you expect them to, your anger will leak out as irritation, frustration, and passive-aggressive behaviour.

#3 You attach a disempowering meaning to a situation

A situation changes the minute you ascribe a meaning to it. If someone doesn't answer your message even though you've seen the blue ticks, you assign a meaning that they are ignoring or avoiding you. You may assume it means you are unimportant, leaving you feeling drained and hurt.

Think about a conversation that upset you –what meaning did you attach to it? I have a client who attached a label to a situation in which their colleague does not respect them. Now, any little gesture is seen through the lens that they are not respected, which becomes confirmation bias. If you are looking for proof of your assumption, you will find it in the smallest gestures.

Maybe they came to you last in a discussion purely by default of the seating arrangements, but you will interpret that as not respecting you. Do you see the pattern?

Can you step back and consider a more empowering meaning? Maybe they never responded to your message because they were busy or had an emergency. It is probably more likely that it fell off their radar in the day's craziness.

When you attach a label like they don't respect me, you may ignore the positive gestures they make. One client didn't recognise that being handed a particular piece of work spoke volumes about their trust in their ability, but he couldn't see it for what it was.

Even more powerful than guessing what their action means is to ask them. “When you said X, it made me feel Y – what was your intention, or what did you mean by that comment?”

You'll be amazed at how you can shift the dynamic in one discussion. Please do not ascribe an identity to them or an assumption like – you tried to make me feel excluded. If you place a label on them, they will get defensive. Go in, curious and open, without an attachment to the outcome.

I know I said three habits, but this is a bonus.

#4 You take on their negative emotions

If you see someone upset, do you feel it's your responsibility to take on their stress? Do you feel yourself shifting into a bad mood even though you started the day in a good place?

Some people call themselves empaths and say they can't help it, but if you allow others to affect your mood, you will constantly feel drained.

Instead of taking it on and then you feel bad, ask them what is troubling them. Even if they don't want to share, allow them to be in this space without you becoming their mirror image.

Another huge drainer is feeling helpless when you feel like you can't fix it. Just holding space for that person and being a support without having to do anything is enough.

Sometimes, all people want is to be heard, truly heard. That means sharing what's on their mind without anyone offering advice or trying to solve it. And if they don't want to share with you, tell them they can chat with you when they're ready or need to.

Knowing you care about them will have a huge impact.

Final thoughts.

Interpersonal relationships are tricky, and there is never a one-size-fits-all formula.

Rather than focus on new habits to adopt, start by dropping the ones that no longer serve you.

· Stop taking things personally

· Stop expecting people to know what you want

· Stop attaching a disempowering meaning to a situation.

· Stop taking on other people's negative emotions.

For any new habit to be adopted, you must replace the old one. Can you replace the habit of assumption and judgment with curiosity in this case?

When you are judging someone, you can't learn from them. When you are curious about why they do what they do, you are open to learning and influencing them.

Here's to being a little more curious.

Warm wishes,

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.