by Lori Milner
If you ask someone if they like surprises, they'll say of course. That's because they are picturing the surprises they would like to receive. You only like the surprises you want, but we know life also gives us the surprises you don't want. These come wrapped in challenges, setbacks or even loss. When these surprises arrive unannounced, they can knock us off our feet, leaving us feeling helpless to participate in the solution.
Then there are times when everything on paper ticks the boxes of what a good life should be, yet there is a feeling that something is still missing inside. Here are some things you can focus on that may not solve the issue but will give you the tools to recharge yourself from the inside out to move forward with grace:
Create a compelling future vision
When you feel stuck, it's largely due to not having a compelling future vision of something to look forward to.
When did you last journal about goals you want to achieve personally and professionally? When did you last spend time visualising your ideal day two years from now?
When did you last plan a holiday or book yourself on a workshop to explore your interests, even if it's not related to your work?
One of my clients lives in New York, works non-stop and never permits himself to spend time on activities purely linked to his hobbies and interests. In particular, he is obsessed with motivational speaker and extreme athlete Wim Hof, known as the 'The Iceman', and kept making excuses for being too busy to book for his workshop or even date anyone.
When he couldn't imagine a new relationship or life beyond work, he became despondent and a slave to his stress.
To create the life he wanted, he needed to change his habit from avoiding to connecting. He started to make plans for every weekend with different people and finally booked Wim's workshop. The anticipation was enough to change his state and generate excitement and energy again.
Think about what it is for you and what you can do to create a compelling future vision by taking small steps towards it.
Choose your words
The word you attach to your experience becomes your experience. It is your thoughts that create your emotions. If you label your situation as feeling stuck, you will naturally feel helpless, trapped and claustrophobic.
What if you replace the word stuck with uncomfortable, uncertain, or unsure? When you define the problem in solvable terms, it is easier to find a solution.
If you're unsure, you can always reach out to people you trust for advice and guidance.
When you're uncomfortable, you know it's temporary because, with time and progress, you will feel more at ease.
It sounds too simple to make a difference but remember that your words directly impact your physiology. Being stuck and terrified generate stress, and you will experience this physically through tension, clenched jaws and overall tightness in the body.
It's not denying the situation; it's giving you a better set of language to narrate the story so you're the hero and not the victim.
Micro wins are the antidote to inaction
A micro win is the first Lego brick towards the completed creation. It is the first step towards your goal. To avoid feeling stuck, find a way to create micro wins in your life, which generates confidence.
A micro win can be choosing to drink water over cool drinks. A micro win can be a ten-minute walk around the block or even taking one mindful breath.
Every micro-win is evidence of progress, and even more important, it is proof that you can keep the promises you make to yourself. When you build up enough confidence capital in one area, you can invest it in other parts of your life where your confidence may be lacking.
Find meaning in the situation
If you believe the situation is happening to you, you will feel like a victim and helpless to change it. If you can dig deeper and find a compelling meaning for the situation, such as life is happening for you, it changes how you show up to it.
Think back to a time of challenge where hindsight revealed the hidden gift. If a relationship ended, did a better one reveal itself? Was it a catalyst to start your own business if you lost your job? Did a serious illness provide the wake-up call to reassess your priorities?
It's easy to join the dots with hindsight, but when you're in it and feel stuck, it can feel overwhelming. Can you view the situation from above and ask yourself what you can learn and how you can grow? Get curious about why it's happening to you now and how this prepares you for something even better.
How can you be a student of challenge rather than a victim of it?
When you ascribe an empowering meaning to a situation, this becomes your fuel to move through it with grace and trust.
Nothing is permanent
When a situation feels permanent, it becomes claustrophobic. The greatest universal truth is that change is inevitable. You may need to tolerate some discomfort now but trust that with time it will shift into a new normal.
Consider this when there is an interruption in your usual routine at home or work. Has a new schedule turned your world upside down, or has a new person in the team created some turbulence you weren't expecting?
Change is a catalyst for new solutions and also a way to practice being OK with discomfort. Rather than resist the change or believe it's this way forever, give yourself three months to allow yourself the space to ease into the situation.
You'll be surprised that despite the initial discomfort, it has yielded an even better outcome.
Practice Self-Compassion
When things feel hard, increase the kindness you show to yourself exponentially. If you cannot change the circumstances, you can change the way you talk to yourself and treat yourself.
What is something you love to do that will bring you joy? Gardening is a hobby that has come up with so many clients, both men and women. How about spending time in the garden to connect to yourself and nature?
If gardening isn't your thing, how about something fun like puzzles, Lego, art, or cooking - something that allows your mind to wander and has a creative outlet attached?
Self-compassion is also about self-forgiveness and reminding yourself that you did the best you could with the resources available at the time.
Final thoughts
When you ask bodybuilders how they get their muscles, they'll tell you they push against incredible resistance.
The next time you face a setback, remember that it has shown up as part of your growth. Even though you understand this logically, it's easy to become despondent.
To pull yourself out of the rut, smash open your 'get out of stuckness' toolkit and ask yourself the following questions:
How can I create a compelling future vision?
What language am I using to describe the situation?
Where can I create confidence through micro wins?
What meaning can I give to the situation?
Do I see the situation as permanent?
How can I be kind to myself today?
A better set of questions will always yield a better set of results.
Here's to moving through challenges with grace.
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
More articles by Lori
