by Lori Milner
Questions are a conduit to unlocking the resources within you. They are an essential coaching tool because they are a permission device between what someone already knows and what they want to acknowledge. Change happens when a client reaches a new insight, a perspective they never considered previously. However, the insight can only reveal itself when the person is completely honest with themselves.
It's easy to express fears but often more challenging to express what you want. Here are three powerful questions to coach yourself into a new insight:
What are the things I would never want to do to get to the next level of success?
This question is designed to trigger the actions that make you uncomfortable.
It's often the work we're avoiding where our most extraordinary growth lies. For some people, it's sales calls; for others giving presentations. It could be managing people or having to have difficult conversations.
What are you putting off, and what is the first step you can take? Is it setting up the meeting, making a phone call, or signing up for the certification? Perhaps your next level of success requires you to be more vocal in meetings, be proactive, and take on more responsibilities.
This activity will catapult you out of your comfort zone into your courage zone. It means you are no longer hanging out behind the scenes but finally being prepared to be seen.
Once you've figured out what it is, the next step is to question why it triggers you. What insecurities does it bring up for you?
Rather than avoid the fear, make the fear your compass; if it scares you, it's where you are being called to grow.
If you continue to say yes when you mean no, ask yourself, what part of me needs something from them?
Setting boundaries can be one of the most daunting things because you ultimately fear offending others or letting them down. If you continue to give away your yes's and not own your no's, you will be the one who is constantly under pressure and sacrifice quality for quantity.
When you hear the YES slip out of your mouth, ask yourself, what part of me needs something from them? Is it a need for approval, the fear of being seen a certain way or a fear of loss?
Sometimes we mistake doing favours for others as a way to give love and a means to feel needed. However, if they don't reciprocate as you would have, it leaves you resentful and frustrated. Saying yes is not a guarantee to get one back in return.
Rather than fear saying no, reframe the conversation to manage their expectations. If someone wants to meet with you Thursday morning, but you blocked this time to work on a project, ask them for the actual deadline. Or could you explain that you are committed and see if you can help Friday afternoon?
Can you place your own priorities ahead of everyone else's urgencies? Exposure is the antidote to anxiety; say no with kindness and compassion, and you will be astounded by how people are still there for you and don't drop you because you have your own priorities.
If you seek approval from others by saying yes always, can you give this to yourself, so you are not dependent on others to meet this need? When you come from a place of true self-acceptance, the approval can be a bonus rather than something you depend on to feel good about yourself.
What do I value more?
When you are at a crossroads of wanting to stop a destructive habit like smoking or drinking in the week, and you feel conflicted, stop and ask yourself, what do I value more?
These habits were often started in a previous life stage where you valued excitement over health or security. Your values will shift accordingly as you progress through the various life stages.
Someone who used to value drinking during the week may face an inner conflict because now they enjoy waking up early and feeling refreshed each day. They value clear thinking and energy for their family and mission.
When you feel torn between who you used to be and who you are now, ask what you value more. It's not that you are no longer fun, but what you enjoy has shifted. What fulfils you has shifted, and that's a sign of growth.
The more authentic you can be with yourself, the more you will find it easier to choose the activities that expand you and drop the ones that contract you.
Final thoughts
One insight can profoundly change your life; getting this insight requires an act of courage. It's not about doing something but having the courage to confront your stories and own what you want.
An insight is an opening; to ensure change happens, you must act immediately before you lose your drive and the opening closes.
What is one thing you learnt about yourself today, and what action can you take to make this change a reality?
Here's to your progress,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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