by Lori Milner
There is always a gap between where you are now and where you want to be. What separates them are the bridge of apathy and the bridge of action. The bridge of action is scarier to cross than apathy. It’s longer, appears to have more steps and looks quite unappealing from the outside. However, once on the path, there are people who support you, and there are hidden rewards along the way. All you have to do is walk a little further, and they appear. Progress, no matter how small, creates rewards on this bridge.
The apathy bridge looks easy and fun from the outside, but once on it, it doesn't ever get to the destination. It's a maze that keeps bringing you to the starting point of your comfort zone. It has instant gratification markers along the way, so you think you're winning, but the ultimate result is frustration.
We have all chosen the apathy bridge at times, but once you step onto it, it's pretty daunting to cross over to action because it feels so comfortable. All you need is a better set of questions to help you get onto the bridge of action. These questions are a buffet; choose the ones that work best for you and start to take action on what matters most:
How can I make this more successful than I ever dreamed and have fun doing it?
When you procrastinate on a task, consider the feelings behind the avoidance. Do you experience self-doubt or fear of failure, not being perfect or judgment? The feelings that stack up prevent you from starting or playing small. This is when you ask yourself - How can I make this more successful than I ever dreamed and have fun doing it?
Firstly, you shift your focus from fear to excitement because you have reintroduced the possibility of success. The missing piece to completing this is fun. Why does it have to be stressful? The energy you bring to the task will determine how you show up to it. If you stay stuck in the fear, you won't do your best work, but if you can bring lightness and enjoyment to it, the process becomes more enjoyable and naturally, you will bring your creativity and unique spin to it.
What thought would you need to believe for change to happen?
If you've pressed pause on a goal, insert this question to get going again. Maybe you need to believe that you have worked through challenges and always make a plan. Maybe you need to believe in your abilities and track record. Maybe you need to believe that you deserve this and are worthy. Do you need to remember that this isn't permanent, and things will change? Whatever it is for you – choose a thought and belief that will serve you to move to the bridge of action.
What thought would you need to forget for change to happen?
For you to move ahead and take action, do you need to forget about the experience you keep reliving in your mind? Can you remind yourself that you are no longer that person and now have the skills and lessons to do it differently? Do you need to forget about the disempowering feelings keeping you in a low state like anger or self-pity? Do you need to forget old habits and thoughts that keep you stuck? If you get stuck on this question, revert to question 2 – what do I need to remember to move forward?
Will this decision create nostalgia?
When you are unsure when making a decision, ask yourself – will this decision create nostalgia? Will you reflect on the experience with a sense of contentment and joy? Think back to a decision about a holiday or an experience you debated, but with hindsight, you would never change it. Are you staying on the bridge of apathy because it's safe, and you know it? What if the bridge of action was the only way to create more of these wonderful experiences?
It's not all about holidays and experiences, but consider the decision to step into a new role or speak up in a meeting about something that may not be the popular opinion. This bold action can be the catalyst to change not only for you but for the entire team. This is a different kind of nostalgia but a moment you will always remember and remind you of your courage. Not all decisions can be made rationally; you must use your heart to bring a different perspective.
If you could get 10% of a friend's happiness, who would you invest in and why?
This question comes from Warren Buffet in an interview he gave. The genius behind this question is that it identifies what you value most. Once you name the person, ask yourself why. Now, you have a set of traits and values you can emulate. If this person always remembers the little details like your birthday or is always making time to connect with their team on a personal level. Consider where you can improve in your life. It is the things we admire in others that we have within ourselves or may have become dormant. If this person is happy because they make time for their craft, hobbies, or passions – consider if you neglect this part of your life. What can you do differently to attain the same level of happiness and joy?
Imagine you get to the stage you are aiming for. What will that look like?
If you're apathetic or don't know how to move forward, insert this question to clarify what you want. The power is that once you know what you want, you can create a compelling future vision. Having a bigger future motivates you and energises you in the present. It's also a reminder that no matter what setbacks or speedbumps you face today, it's on the way to your new vision.
What would I tell my best friend to do?
This question is unassumingly powerful because it removes you from the picture and allows for a more objective perspective. It's always easy to see the solution to other people's challenges; this question is how to fast-track it. Another variation of this question is writing a letter to your mentor asking for advice and answering as if you were them. You'll be astounded by the wisdom that pours out of you.
What do I want more of?
This question requires reflection on what works for you and who you are at your best. Do you want more variety, connections, new experiences, stability, and certainty? If you want more growth, consider how you can make it easy to meet this need. Listening to a podcast or an audiobook on the commute or while exercising can help you meet this need. If you want more connection, think of three to five people you haven't spoken to in a while and ask them how they are doing. If you want to be more present, what are you scheduling into your calendar to build the muscles of mindfulness? When you know what you want, add more of this to move to action.
What do I want less of?
Knowing what you don't want is the road map to help you find more of what you want. Do you want less stress, less anxiety, and less rushing? Do you want less negativity and complaining? Figure out the main energy drainers for you and how you can eliminate them.
Final thoughts
Often, all that stands between the bridge of apathy and action is a better set of questions. I didn't say it would be easy to cross over, and you will experience fear and discomfort, but that is the ticket to change.
How can I make this more successful than I ever dreamed and have fun doing it?
What thought would you need to believe for change to happen?
What thought would you need to forget for change to happen?
Will this decision create nostalgia?
If you could get 10% of a friend's happiness, who would you invest in and why?
Imagine you get to the stage you are aiming for. What will that look like?
What would I tell my best friend to do?
What do I want more of?
What do I want less of?
Here's to the bridge of action.
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
More articles by Lori
We don't choose to be stressed or anxious. When life gets tough, we often fall back on habits that seem helpful but actually make us more tired and worried. The starting point is to create an awareness of the habits that have a misalignment between intention and impact.