I want to tell you two things: I like you! I know how you feel!

by Marilize Jacobs

I want to tell you two things: I like you! I know how you feel! Those are words we ALL need to hear more often. I often wondered if there was a “science” to being more likable and develop rapport with people, thereby making them feel that you like and understand them and ensure the feeling is mutual. That is exactly where the Emotional Quotient (EQ), also known as Emotional Intelligence (EI), plays a crucial role.

In this age of budding Artificial Intelligence, EQ is increasingly gaining importance as it is irreplaceable. Taking a step back and considering people’s emotions before sharing opinions and making decisions, is something AI simply cannot do.

Likeable. That is mostly how you would describe someone with a high EQ. Emotions are like a social virus. They are contagious. We identify and “feel” the emotions of others and react accordingly. Positive or negative. People with good emotional intelligence are the people we like to have around us because their emotional skills make us feel good. It entails self-awareness, self-control, awareness of others and building relationships.

Tanya believes that the key to understanding another's feelings is the ability to read nonverbal behaviours, e.g., voice tone, gestures, and facial expressions. “We unconsciously imitate the emotions we see displayed by someone else, through subconscious mirroring of their facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and other nonverbal gestures of emotions. When we learn to understand body language it makes EQ that much easier to implement. The understanding of your own and other people's non-verbal behaviours is the foundation of EQ. Body language is an outward reflection of our internal emotional condition.”

The one principle Tania constantly reminds herself of is what scientists call the “feedback hypothesis”, i.e., emotions affecting our behaviour as well as behaviour affecting our emotions, which in turn affects our outcome.

“This works both ways,” she says. “How we affect others, will affect the outcome we want and also affect our own self-awareness.”

Despite EQ being a popular topic of conversation, there are a number of misconceptions according to Tania, such as:

• EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS NOT REALLY AN INTELLIGENCE

By referring to EI as a form of intelligence, the perception of dealing effectively with people, as an inborn quality, is wrong. EI is not genetically determined. It’s a set of knowledge and skills that can develop over time.

• EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS NOT REALLY ABOUT EMOTION

Your people skills are less about emotion and more about an ability to read, understand, and ultimately influence other people’s motivation.

“THE SOCIAL CHAMELEON”

Tania says it is very possible to fake EQ. “Social chameleons are very good at making first impressions, but they ignore their own needs and feelings and how to fulfil them, leading to hollow social success.”

"I frequently quote Mark Snyder, a psychologist at the University of Minnesota - a popularity won at the cost of one's true satisfaction is never a good thing".  People faking EQ exhibit behaviour in line with the image they create in the minds of others; very different from the private image they have of themselves.

This trade-off happens when social skills outstrip the ability to know your own feelings, in order to be liked.  “The “social chameleon” will seem to be whatever those around him want. How to see the sign of this pattern in someone, is that they make an excellent impression, yet have few stable or satisfying intimate relationships. A more healthy pattern, of course, is to balance being true to oneself with social skills and using them with integrity.”

Two examples of the “social chameleon” versus someone with a high EQ according to Harvard Business Review are:

1. A person with the need to be the hero disguised as an empath: When a person indulges a co-dependent need to feel central to another person’s success, it takes away the other person’s power, making them weaker instead of stronger.

Someone with a high EQ: For example, if our partner is angry at something we try to stay calm. Then we try to calm them down. Usually this makes it worse. The upset person feels you don’t really understand’ them.’ Why? Because you are fighting your instinct to mirror their upset. Sometimes you should let yourself adopt their emotions. Put yourself exactly where they are.

2. The person masquerading as an active listener

A fundamental social skill of emotional intelligence is being an effective listener. Unaware of the tension between a genuine desire to take in other’s views and a need to be right, some can “pretend listen”.

Someone with a high EQ: Here body language can play a very important role according to Vanessa van Edwards from The Science of People through:

• The Triple Nod. It's a very slow one, two, three. It's like you're telling someone: “Tell me more." 

• The Open-Palm Gesture. An important cue is to make outstretched gestures to people with open palms. That may be because it has evolutionary underpinning: "no weapons."

• The head-tilt. So, if you’ve ever been told you’re hard to talk to, research has found that when you head-tilt, it softens you. It is because it shows, ‘I’m exposing my ear to try to hear everything you are trying to say’. 

SUMMARY

Asking yourself three very basic questions can help you on your way to improve your EQ (1) What are the differences between how I see myself and how others see me? (2) What matters to me and others? (3) What changes will I make to achieve my and the goals of others? Don’t forget what it means to be human in the world of AI.

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Marilize Jacobs is the founder of two businesses, Pigs Can Fly Interiors & VocalCord Reputation Management in South Africa. She is a reputation strategist with a BCom Marketing Management (UP) and a career spanning interior design, marketing, and PR. Clients, especially in the Financial Services, Legal, Pharmaceutical, Hospitality and Retail industries which revere her strategic skills, thoroughness and tenacity when it comes to building and maintaining reputations. On the personal front, she is a boat skipper and avid cyclist, and also has a pro bono involvement with The Star Academy, an international institution for children with Autism.

Reach her at: marilizeb@mweb.co.za / 082 418 6767

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