by Lori Milner
So here we are…the thing we have all anticipated for an entire year but yet when it arrives, it is also clouded by a sense of dread. And that is…December! The disbelief is not so much about we are at the end of the year, but it is a symbol that forces you to really reflect on the year that has passed. This is a good thing because if you just move from one year into the next with no introspection, then there is little hope of creating the change you want to make.
Questions are an incredible tool to change our focus and shift our perspective.
Here are some questions to think through and my advice is not just thinking about them but journal about them. Maybe pick one or two that stand out to you and start there.
What accomplishments over the last 12 months am I proud of?
What work did I spend my time on that energizes me?
Where did I spend my time that completely drained and deflated me?
What do I want more of for 2020?
What do I want to eliminate?
If you feel you didn’t really achieve your big goals for the year then ask yourself why? Use this time as an annual review to really audit your year. It may take some tough honesty with yourself. Personal growth is more than just attending a workshop or reading a book. It is really about spending some one on one time with yourself and being honest about what matters to you and what’s important.
Here is another question - what do I value?
Perhaps the reason you don’t feel like you shot lights out this year is because there is a disconnect in your values, beliefs and actions. Often beliefs are determined at a certain life stage or time in your career. Then time passes and you are not the same person you were 5 years ago (which is a brilliant thing). If previously you only valued work and career and now have a family, there are some massive adjustments to be made. Have you stopped to assess this and see where your time is going? Are you basing your day to maximise work and have little time left for your family time because that’s what you are ‘supposed’ to be doing?
I’ll pose an even more challenging question to you – do you value self-care?
Have you forgotten to value self-care as a massive priority because you are too busy and don’t see it as value building but something that’s taking away from your ‘important’ stuff? Self-care means basic health – eating, sleep, exercise – and making sure you make decisions that are in your best interest. In today’s always on, tech crazy world, mindfulness or meditation is as important. If you don’t take the time, even 5 minutes a day, to practice focus, stillness and watching your thoughts, you are probably still in react mode all the time. Just as little as 3 minutes a day of focusing on your breathing gives you the emotional and mental bandwidth to pause and respond to the triggers that normally trip you up as opposed to reacting and having to pick up the pieces after.
Why does this even matter? Values help you in guiding your decisions about where to spend your time. Knowing what matters to you helps in closing the gap between knowing what to do and why you may not be taking action on the goal or task at hand. Values help you to steer your compass and make decisions on where to spend your time.
I’m now going to step it up - it is your beliefs about yourself that determine what you take action on. To move from thinking about it to actually doing the first step. Again, these beliefs could have been formed in childhood or teen years or your early working years and you haven’t checked in if they are still valid. So, the final question I pose to you is…
What am I still believing?
Perhaps you grew up in a home where praise is linked to achievement or income. Perhaps someone told you that you are too shy to ever be good at public speaking and that’s why you are too scared to raise your hand for a certain role because it requires presentation skills.
It comes down to the story you tell yourself. Is your story – I’m too old, I’m too young, I’m shy, I’m an introvert, I’m terrible with numbers’. Really take this seriously – take out a piece of paper and write down your beliefs. And it’s a tough exercise because it requires incredible self-honesty.
Then question these beliefs – are they based in today’s reality? You do not need to hold yourself hostage to a label someone put onto you. And then rewrite these beliefs!
I’m not suggesting you lie to yourself. If you are incredibly shy about public speaking, then change the belief to ‘I am willing to put myself out there to be a contribution and share my knowledge’. Not ‘I could never present my work because what if I make a mistake or people judge me?’
Your old beliefs are like bouncers at an event you really want to go to. They are preventing you from walking in because you are waiting for the beliefs to give you permission to take action on what you want to do.
Change your belief and see yourself walking through the stanchions, over the red carpet into the goal, project or habit you have denied yourself.
Start small. Incredibly small. Chunk it down. Maybe you start watching You-Tube videos on speakers to give you some confidence or read books on the area of interest. Put your hand up to present something in a meeting or as simple as sharing a comment with your team.
And finally – the last one (I had to sneak in one more):
What am I still believing in 2019 that I refuse to take with me into 2020?
Don’t give any more power to those old beliefs, take action to show yourself who you can be. Behaviour change is identity change. Who do you want to become in 2020? What habits or patterns do you want to outgrow and let go of? Then schedule into the calendar the activities and the actions that will provide the evidence for your shift. Maybe you want to become a reader? So, start leaving a book on your bed every night. Become the architect of your life and create the environment to set you up for success.
So, here is to you and wishing you a wonderful festive season.
Warm wishes
Lori
LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
Read more articles by Lori...
