by Lori Milner

As a life coach, my job is to listen to what is being said and mine for the hidden limiting beliefs that hold my clients back from maximising their potential in their personal and professional lives.

Here are the three main culprits I hear from high performers:

· Having a courageous conversation will create conflict.

· Asking for help means I'm incompetent.

· Sharing my problems places a burden on others.

Now, let’s unpack them so you can drop these limiting beliefs for good.

#1 Having a courageous conversation will create conflict.

Communication is the currency of change, and the only way to create the change you desire is to reach out and have a conversation.

Always consider intention and impact. Your intention may be to keep the peace, but the impact is that you create more disconnection by avoiding a conversation.

I have a client who had a failed relationship and now associates having conversations with pain. When reflecting on the previous relationship, he admitted that he never expressed his needs and got resentful when his partner didn’t magically behave as he expected her to, resulting in passive-aggressive behaviour and, ultimately, conflict.

Rather than assume people know what you need, share it with them. Linked to this initial belief is that ‘if I tell someone what I want and they give it to me, then it doesn’t count because I asked for it’. Is this true? No.

You must enable someone to meet your needs however you need them to. Consider a recent conflict where someone dropped the ball in the work environment. If you’re honest with yourself, where did you contribute?

Did you make time to share exactly what you need, by what date, and in the required format, or did you assume they knew what to do?

Make time to talk to someone – not hide behind email – and then create a new agreement. Share what is required and check in to see if they need further clarity. Ask if they can meet the required deadline and how you can support them. Do not leave anything to assumption because it will only end in frustration.

#2 Asking for help means I'm incompetent.

The fear of asking for help is that you will be judged and seen as incompetent or imperfect.

Once again, consider intention and impact. I have worked with many managers who feel they don’t want to ask for help so they don’t burden their boss, but the impact is that they delay the work and create the very situation they want to avoid.

No one expects you to know everything, especially if you have just started a new role or industry – this is how you fast-track your growth by learning from others' experiences and mistakes.

The suggested way to ask for help is to devise a solution or outline your thinking or what you have already tried. When people see you have tried to solve the problem or at least apply some thinking, they will always be willing to assist you.

Be kinder to yourself – asking for help doesn’t mean you are not competent; it’s the opposite. It means you are growing, stretching yourself, and asking shows you are committed to your development and the company.

Another famous myth attached to asking for help is that vulnerability is weakness. It is your greatest strength. If you are a leader, asking for help is a way to role model vulnerability, making it safe for others to do the same.

Daniel Coyle, author of The Culture Code, shares some deeper insights into this:

"Explicitly Ask for Help. It’s not enough merely to admit you don’t have all the answers. You also have to actively invite people to jump in and help. Here are some useful phrases:

· I’d love for everybody to take some shots at this idea.

· Tell me what we’re missing here.

· We’re definitely going to get some things wrong here. This is just our first try—what will take this to the next level?

· I need you to poke some holes in this."

#3 Sharing my problems places a burden on others.

What would you tell your best friend to do if they felt down or faced a problem? Would you tell them to figure it out alone or call you to work through it? I assume you chose option two.

So why, when it comes to you, do you have double standards and expect yourself to work through it and solve it alone? And then when you feel better, you can call someone to chat.

Feelings of hopelessness grow when you keep things to yourself. Reaching out to others does not burden them; it is an invitation to allow them in. Silence creates disconnection, and conversation creates connection.

Consider that if you always have to be perfect and strong, people will assume you don’t face problems and that you have it all together. Your intention is to protect them, but the impact is that people may stop checking in with you because you’re "perfect".

It’s hard to change this image you have worked so hard to build, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

No one does it alone, and no one expects you to either.

You will bring peace into your life when you drop the belief that you will cause a burden on others. Consider allowing someone to reciprocate and give back like you do when they face a challenge. They may have an insight or perspective you didn’t consider – can you allow them this gift?

Something interesting to consider is what role you played as a child. Did you have to be the perfect one, or did you have to protect your parents against more troubling siblings so you couldn’t place more worry on them?

If this sounds familiar, no wonder you have the blueprint that tells you that sharing your challenges will be negatively received.

If you resonate with this, it’s time to let go of the old blueprint and make space for a new one. It may have served you then, but it cannot hold true now.

Final thoughts.

Byron Katie says we experience pain because we haven’t investigated our thinking. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you resonate with the above limiting thoughts or have found some new ones, it’s time to drop the thought and create a more empowering one. Like a habit, you can't stop a behaviour without introducing a new one to replace it.

Here are some ideas:

· Telling people what I need will create peace and positive change.

· Asking for help is how I grow and develop faster.

· Sharing my challenges makes me more human and facilitates connection.

Here’s to choosing more empowering beliefs,

Warm wishes,

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.