by Lori Milner
We tend to associate habits with self-care activities, such as drinking water, exercising, and sleeping well. What about the habits that play a role in your professional life? What if you mastered the habits of speaking up in a meeting, sharing your ideas or being seen? Why do we do things that are not in our own best interest and, over time, can sabotage our progress even though it's not our intent?
These destructive behaviours are known in psychology as a secondary gain. A secondary gain gives you a hidden benefit even if the behaviour is unfavourable.
One of my clients had a severe procrastination habit, and when I asked her what procrastination gave her, she thought about it and realised it gave her a break and an opportunity to relax. She wasn't scheduling any time for lunches or short recovery bursts, so avoiding the real work became her reprieve.
What's the secondary gain of staying silent or staying behind the scenes? These habits serve as a means of self-protection. If I don't speak up, I won't be judged. If I don't put myself forward for the promotion or the new role, I can't come across as incompetent.
How do you move past this fear zone and create habits that serve you and your future self?
Decide who you want to be
When you think about a goal you want to achieve, rather than focus on the task at hand, think about who you need to become to achieve the goal.
Do you need to become more patient, bolder, disciplined or empathetic?
Could you create a ritual for this habit to turn your intention into sustainable behaviour change?
Before you enter the next meeting, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you deserve to be here. Before conversing with that triggering person, have an anchor word like 'grace'. It sets your intention for who you want to be in that situation.
The ritual is designed to interrupt your habitual pattern of self-protection. My favourite ritual I have been practising for years is setting an alarm to go off ten minutes before each meeting. This ritual is done at the end of the day to prepare me for the following day.
When the alarm goes off, it triggers me back into the present moment, and I spend a few minutes setting my intention for how I want to show up, or I think about what this person needs for the next coaching session. It takes me out of myself and the focus on being a contribution.
Exposure is the antidote to anxiety
If you stay stuck in your head, you will move into analysis paralysis and most likely imagine a worst-case scenario of what will happen if you speak up in the next meeting.
The only way to create a new habit is through a new behaviour. You have to show yourself you can do something to internalise the win. Each time you show yourself you can do it, you create evidence that you can be bold and confidently share your opinion.
Make a commitment that you will contribute in the next meeting; don't speak for the sake of hearing your own voice but listen to what's happening around you. Can you build on someone's point or ask a question that, most likely, everyone is also thinking about but may not be bold enough to voice?
When you prove to yourself with hard evidence that this is a positive experience, you will begin to associate the behaviour with pleasure and not pain. This is the true secret to persevering with a new habit.
Consider the cost of inaction
If you continue to hold back, not put yourself forward for something challenging or not even do the basics of self-care you know you should be doing, where will you be six months or two years from now?
If you continue to attend the meetings and not contribute, you will be labelled as the lovely person who takes excellent notes, not someone who adds value. Every meeting is an opportunity to build your personal brand and demonstrate your value, don't let self-doubt and fear get in the way.
If you continue to play safe and stick to what you know, even though you are so bored and can do the job with your eyes closed, you risk never feeling fulfilled. We grow through times of challenge; if you hold onto what you know, you risk staying stagnant and not showing your authentic value.
Trust the process
Most people start a diet or start exercising but give up around the two-week mark. Why? There is a gap between starting a habit and seeing the result; this is where people fall off the wagon. If you can trust the process of creating micro wins before you see the result but persevere, this is where the magic happens.
Eventually, you will see your body getting stronger, or your inner critic begins to pipe down and not convince you to stay quiet for fear of judgement.
By trusting the process of creating daily wins, you have gained certainty in a new process to let go of the old one.
Final thoughts
We don't break old habits but outgrow them by shifting focus on who we want to become rather than who we have practised being.
If you resonate with these habits or can relate to something you are doing now that inadvertently sabotages you, ask yourself, 'What does this habit give me?'
Is it most likely a form of self-protection from being judged or not being perfect? If you dig a little deeper, you will likely find it is a way to prevent your biggest fear of not being enough.
When you hold yourself back from expressing your true self, you dent your self-esteem and confidence.
The ultimate habit to master is to show up as your authentic self, not your perfect self. How do you do that?
Embrace being seen, show up as your authentic self, and know you are enough.
Here's to new habits,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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