by Lori Milner
Perfectionism is often worn as a badge of honour, something to strive for. The intention is that it makes you better, but the impact is devastating. In the words of Ann Wilson Schaef, "Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order”. Perfection is an illusion and stops you from your best work because behind the façade of being a perfectionist are the deepest fears of being judged, failing or not being enough.
The deeper thought is, 'What if my best isn't enough?' It takes imposter syndrome to another level because it's a fear of finding out you are the imposter to yourself. Rather than create this impossible standard which doesn't motivate you but keeps you stuck and from reaching your highest potential, what if you replaced perfection with something healthier, kinder, and more rewarding?
Replace perfection with progress
Julia Cameron, the author of The Artists Way, says progress is what we should strive for, not perfection. If you want to start a new hobby, craft, or role, you must accept that you cannot be proficient immediately.
You have to embrace the beginner mindset and sit in the discomfort of not being perfect in one area of your life. When you make progress your driving force, you can celebrate that you are better than you were three weeks ago or a year ago.
Can you let go of the illusion of perfection and acknowledge your wins? When I finish a writing session, I don't focus on the fact that I never completed as much as I intended, but I celebrate whatever landed on the page as an awful first draft because I know it's the first step towards a better version.
If I obsessed that the first draft should be closer to perfect, the second draft would never materialise.
Progress motivates us; it's the forward momentum rather than waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect word or the perfect version because, in your world, it is unattainable. It is the pot at the end of the rainbow that keeps moving as soon as you get remotely close to it.
Stagnation pulls you down and paralyses you; forward momentum and attaining progress, one micro win at a time will drive you.
Replace perfection with excellence
If perfection is not the ultimate destination, then what is?
What if you replaced perfection with excellence as a new standard?
"Excellence is the next five minutes, or it's nothing at all. Excellence is the quality of your next conversation. Excellence is your next meeting because every meeting is an excellence opportunity. Excellence is shutting up and really listening hard in your next conversation. Excellence is your next customer contact. Excellence is saying thank you for something small, it's the little touch or not. Excellence is your next email or the next message.
There is no tomorrow; as a leader, all you have is the next five minutes." - Tom Peters
When excellence is the driving force, you can see feedback for what it is – a way to improve your blind spots. When your drive is to be perfect, you will always make feedback personal and a confirmation that you're not enough.
It's the same with mistakes; when excellence is your mantra, you can embrace them with compassion and a learning mindset rather than a vicious attack against yourself. Take yourself through a mistake audit and ask yourself, knowing what you do now, how you would handle the situation differently.
Ask yourself where you contributed with no hidden agenda other than to assess your assumptions and expectations and integrate the lessons without the story of not being enough or not perfect enough.
The barriers to excellence
Two barriers stand in the way of excellence: over-commitment and exhaustion.
You can only achieve excellence if you manage your energy and boundaries. Know yourself; if you are a people pleaser, fear conflict above all, or feel bad about setting boundaries on your time and energy, you cannot show up powerfully for anyone.
Do a calendar audit and evaluate how much time is spent on your life's work or other people's busy work. Conduct an energy audit and rate yourself out of ten; anything below a six requires serious evaluation and changes.
Strive for excellence in these areas first. Don't wait for the 'right time' to make changes; what can you do in the next five minutes?
Replace perfection with wholeness
Viewing yourself through the lens of wholeness means you can accept yourself unconditionally right now.
When you label yourself a perfectionist, you see yourself as less than, needing improvement or fixing. Personal growth is a fundamental human need, but be careful of using the label of self-improvement. There is nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed, you are whole and imperfectly perfect, AND you can build skills and create new experiences.
Wholeness is not a destination; it's a decision. It's a decision to be unconditionally friendly to yourself and truly allow yourself to feel enough without having to prove yourself to yourself.
When you can walk into a room feeling whole and content in your skin without needing others' approval or validating your self-worth, you are always navigating a situation from a place of personal power.
Sure, we all love validation but let this be a bonus on top of your total acceptance of yourself.
Final thoughts
Perfection is not a standard; it's a form of self-sabotage because you are stopping yourself from being seen and is driven by fear.
The next time your inner critic starts its taunts, interrupt it with two simple words that can change everything.
What if?
What if your idea is the one that solves the problem? What if your next comment changes someone's life? What if your fears are imagined and not real? What if you are enough?
In the words of Marianne Williamson,
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Here's to excellence,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
More articles by Lori
We don't choose to be stressed or anxious. When life gets tough, we often fall back on habits that seem helpful but actually make us more tired and worried. The starting point is to create an awareness of the habits that have a misalignment between intention and impact.