by Lori Milner

Why do some people always appear to have it together? They are calm in the chaos and take life in their stride. They dance with life's challenges rather than go to war with them; it's not to say they don't feel stress, but how they navigate their days sets them up for success.

If you want to move through the day with calm confidence rather than stress and overwhelm, consider adopting these six practices:

Choose contentment

To feel more content with life, you must choose contentment. It sounds silly, almost too obvious, but most clients I have asked if they feel content right now say no.

Despite ticking all the boxes of health, being financially stable but perhaps not where they feel they should be, having a family, etc. – they find it hard to choose contentment for fear of becoming complacent.

If you want to feel good about your life, you must first appreciate where you are right now. If you live in a world of, I'll be content when…I get the salary I want or the title or go on this holiday; you are delaying joy with factors beyond your control.

When you land at your holiday destination, you take yourself with you, and you'll find another reason why you can't choose to be content.

It's a decision you get to make every day, and you don't have to do anything; decide to be grateful for your life as it is today.

Move into acceptance

Someone content and calm doesn't resist reality. They don't blame external factors or give up responsibility but accept what is and decide the best way to respond to the situation.

If it's raining and you planned a picnic, you can either get into victim mode and tell yourself this always happens to you or accept the situation and make a plan B. What about having a picnic on the lounge floor?

It's easy when the event is frivolous, but this is training for when the big things happen. If you don't get the job you wanted or the relationship ends, you can navigate it from a place of strength when you are not resisting reality and blaming everyone around you. The more you attribute the situation to blame, the less power you have over the situation.

I’m not saying it's easy but resisting the situation and creating a story around it, will only drain your energy tanks physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Can you replace resistance and the tendency to slip into victim mode with the question – How can I now appreciate this as a gift? If you think back to a previous situation where something didn't go your way, at the time, you were devastated. Still, with hindsight, I bet you looked back and were grateful for it because something better came up or another opportunity presented itself.

Acceptance isn't giving up; it is facing reality head-on so you can make your best decision on tackling it. When you can look for the gift and question how it is happening for you rather than to you, you will continually strengthen your resilience muscle.

Trust in the timing

Calm people know that life goes according to its plan, not theirs. How often do you hear yourself saying, I should be further by now, or I should have achieved this by now?

Consider your life stage when you set this goal. Did you have a family? Were you in a different career? Have your values shifted, and your priorities reorganised?

We underestimate what we can do in a decade and overestimate what we can do in a year. Set a goal but avoid getting attached to the outcome or the timing because you have no control over these factors.

Instead, focus on what you can control and replace frustration with progress. If you want to master your craft, what skills are you building? If you want to grow your career, are you making time for relationship-building and networking? If you can see visible commitments in your calendar and are taking action, relax into it and know it's on its way.

Like nature, you can't expect the flowers to bloom or the leaves to fall off sooner than you would like. It happens on its own time, and it's always perfect. When you can see that everything is unfolding as it's meant to, in its perfect timing, even if it's not on your schedule, you will free yourself from controlling the situation to enjoying the process and the journey.

Stop labelling experiences

Author Tony Robbins says that the word you attach to your experience becomes your experience. Do you know someone who always labels a situation a disaster, a nightmare or stressful?

Your habitual words create habitual thoughts, which lead to habitual patterns of emotions. When you think of stressful thoughts, your body will react accordingly.

Shakespeare said, 'Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.'

Calm and content, people see things as it is; they do not make it worse than it is. If you have kids, teach them to choose the words they use. When I want to remind my son about putting his lunchbox back in his bag (as many lunchboxes and water bottles have gone to the land of the lost), I specifically tell him, 'Remember to bring your lunchbox' as opposed to 'Don't forget to bring it'.

The latter has a focus on forgetting rather than remembering. Even if my kids describe something and say I hate this, I ask them to choose a different word more in line with the situation, such as 'This is not my favourite thing to do.'

Even when things are seriously challenging, ask yourself how is life happening for me rather than why is life happening to me?

If you're training yourself to wake up earlier, tell yourself; I am making getting up early familiar, rather than I hate waking up early; this is torture.

You're never 'stuck', but you may feel overwhelmed – choose the words you tell yourself so you can create a gentler headspace despite your situation.

Embrace being a beginner

It's never comfortable feeling out of your depth when starting something new. Still, the sooner you embrace being a beginner and become comfortable with the discomfort, the calmer you will become.

Consider something like the sport of Padel Ball; if you're into it, at some point, you embraced being a beginner to learn the sport and tolerated your mistakes because you knew it's part of the process. If Padel isn't your thing, consider what sport or hobby you endured the beginner mindset and are now proficient in.

Can you bring the beginner mindset to whatever goal you want to create? It could be learning a new skill, applying for a new role or starting an exercise program.

Be content with where you're at and trust that you will achieve your goal over time with consistent action.

Shift to an internal locus of control

An internal locus of control is where you are self-directed and base your self-worth on who you are. An external locus of control is falling into the pattern of placing your self-worth based on external factors such as job titles, money, status and material possessions.

The problem with this approach is that you depend on other people to make these goals a reality. Where does that leave your confidence levels if your current reality doesn't match your ideal version of reality?

Don't focus on the end goal but who you are becoming on route to the end goal.

These habits are all interrelated. You can value yourself now by choosing contentment for who you are and what you are creating. Stop placing your self-worth on others' approval or validation of you; if you feel like you're not enough, consider if you are giving yourself the validation you so desperately crave.

Final thoughts

To become calm and content, you don't need to meditate or do retreats, although it may certainly help. It is a few minor tweaks that will lead to massive changes. The best part is that you are in complete control of mastering these habits:

· Choose contentment.

· Move into acceptance.

· Stop labelling experiences.

· Trust in the timing.

· Embrace being a beginner

· Shift to an internal locus of control

Here's to the power of choice,

Warm wishes,

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.