by Lori Milner
The more uncertainty in your world, the stronger your desire to control your external environment and those around you. Certainty is a basic human need. There are positive ways to create this sense of structure, security and knowing, such as a morning ritual, prayer, meditation, planning or exercise.
The best way to navigate the unknown is by developing a certainty within yourself that no matter what the situation, you know you will always figure things out. Then there are habits we default to in an attempt to gain control but, in reality, leave you feeling powerless and out of control. These include anger, blame and worry.
Anger
Anger is a feeling of losing control of a situation, so rather than default to acceptance; you move into anger because it creates a sense of taking your power back. For some people, anger is their jet fuel and the catalyst that drives them to take action.
Anger is not a state that generally produces positive reactions or behaviours. I'm sure if you reflect on moments of angry outbursts, it's usually followed by shame, remorse and regret. These emotions pull you even lower and leave you feeling empty, powerless, and humiliated.
The next time you feel yourself triggered by a person or a situation, notice it. You can start by paying attention to where you feel it in your body. Is it in your fists clenching, jaw tightening, throat closing or stomach? These are an early internal warning system, much like a car with a petrol light that signals that you'll be in trouble if you don't pay attention.
To neutralise the adrenaline in your body, take ten deep belly breaths or find a way to leave the situation for a few minutes. Only respond once you can speak to the person based on facts, not emotions.
And remember, when you get triggered by a rude email or WhatsApp, do not respond immediately. Type up a draft and save it to review in the morning, and I assure you that you will hit delete.
Lastly, could you find a way to interrupt the pattern? When my son was little, he would play games at bedtime when it came to brushing his teeth, like running away and altogether avoiding me. After a while, I admit I would get frustrated because I felt I had lost control of the situation.
To interrupt the pattern, as he started doing the game of avoiding, I would bring humour to the situation, tickle him, and get in the game rather than become the helpless parent.
After a few minutes of play, I would ask him to help me get these teeth done, and he began to change his behaviour. It was a cry for more attention; the avoidance dissipated when he got the extra fun time he wanted.
Blame
When things don't go according to your plan, the most effortless outlet is to blame the situation, a person or circumstances.
The most common thing to blame your current circumstances on is your past. However, the more you live in the past, the more powerless you are to change your reality.
Rather than blame the past, how can you thank it? Looking back at something that shaped your life, how has it been your greatest teacher? What have you learnt, and what skills have you acquired? Has it made you stronger or more empathetic? Who are you today because of what you experienced? How can you make your mess your message and share your journey with others?
When you see your past as your greatest teacher, you can take your power back because you can choose not to live there anymore. You can take the lessons, but just let go of the story if it doesn't serve you.
If you continue to blame people or the economy, again – you will feel powerless to change the situation. You empower yourself with new choices and actions when you take full responsibility for what is within your control.
Rather than blame, could you ask yourself, how did I contribute to the situation? This question will put you back in the driver's seat because it's forcing you to acknowledge the role you played. Consider where you may have played a role, even if you're adamant that it wasn't your fault.
I had a client who went through rehab for a back injury and adamantly blamed a yoga instructor who wasn't watching him in class. When I unpacked the story, it turned out that he had experienced pain for months but failed to take it seriously. He kept brushing it off and saying it wasn't 'that bad' to get it checked by a doctor.
He was angry with himself for not paying attention to his pain earlier and hadn't reached the point of taking accountability for the situation. Hence, he had to blame someone else – the poor yoga instructor.
The day he took ownership of his situation, he felt in charge of making his rehab a success and committed to never neglecting himself again.
Worrying
Worrying is the habit of anticipating the worst-case scenarios, bringing them into the present and living them as if they're happening. It is rehearsing failure, and nothing will leave you more helpless.
Your intention is pure; it's practical to anticipate obstacles and plan ahead for them, but worrying requires so much emotional and physical energy that it leaves you drained.
Planning is practical; it is energy neutral if you like, but worrying has a negative charge attached to it. It's tainted with fear and dread, especially if you let your imagination run away with you. As Seneca says, we suffer more in imagination than in reality.
When you find yourself worrying, take a step back and pause. Are these thoughts rational or irrational? Are these thoughts helping you or harming you?
Drop the habit of worrying because it's projecting you to live in the future, which is the breeding ground of anxiety.
Could you return to the present moment and focus on what you can control? For everything else, let it go and know that whatever shows up, you have the courage, resilience and fortitude to deal with it.
Final thoughts
Control is the most incredible illusion because we cannot control anything apart from our inner world. What's the starting point? When you feel powerless, shift into the present moment because this is the only place to effect change.
If you live in the past, you trigger hopelessness. If you live in the future, you trigger anxiety.
Reach out to someone you trust and share your concerns; being vulnerable and asking for guidance is one of the most excellent antidotes because they will share a perspective you haven't considered or couldn't see.
There are many other positive habits to create certainty, like self-care and meditation, but whatever you do, avoid the three traps of pseudo-control, they will lead you down the path of powerlessness:
Anger
Blame
Worrying
Here's to letting go of control,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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