by Lori Milner
My daughter came out of her dance class in tears. I assumed one of the girls said something nasty to her, but she assured me it wasn't the case. Eventually, she admitted that she was upset because the class was challenging, and she struggled with the new moves. My children are constantly my greatest teachers; this situation reminded me of how difficult it is to experience challenge and discomfort for the first time.
I explained that she is now in a higher class than last year, and the work will naturally be more difficult. I spoke to her about creating micro-wins, but in a way, she would grasp the concept. I helped her understand that it would become easier with time by showing up consistently to her weekly classes and persevering.
I highlighted that her teacher didn't expect them to do it perfectly, but this is how they learn new things and feeling uncomfortable is part of becoming a better dancer.
Her response to me was, 'so it's normal to feel like this?'. She thought something was wrong with her and was relieved to hear it was something everyone had experienced. So how does this relate to you?
Question your labels
Here's my question: why, when it comes to your growth and development, do you throw labels at yourself like an imposter when you step into your courage zone and do something for the first time? It's the same principle - challenge makes you a better leader, creator, or parent.
Another label you throw at yourself is perfectionism. Would you ever expect my daughter to enter a new level in her curriculum and do it perfectly, even the first three times? Never!
Again, can you see it's an unrealistic expectation of yourself? The phrase I hear the most from my clients is 'I'm so hard on myself'. These are all high-performing clients from New York to JHB and everywhere in between.
Acknowledge your wins
Most high performers do not acknowledge their wins because it never feels good enough. There's always an excuse attached to the win – it wasn't me, or it was my team. When you acknowledge your progress along the way, it becomes part of your identity. If you continue to make your achievements external to you, you will always land up with imposter syndrome and doubt your seat at the table.
It's easy to justify and acknowledge the monumental wins, like completing a project or closing a big deal. Don't forget about the incremental wins along the way, even if you walked for ten minutes, made time to plan your day or shared a comment in a meeting where you would have usually kept quiet.
The next time you criticise yourself that you're not enough, think back to my daughter and ask yourself if you're placing unrealistic expectations on yourself. Are you hard on yourself because you expect to be 'perfect' at something new, or do you not acknowledge all your previous wins and successes?
Learn to receive praise
When someone compliments you, do you genuinely internalise it or deflect it? The next time you receive a compliment, say thank you. That's it.
If you're constantly hard on yourself and live in the story that you should be further by now, consider if you can receive praise from yourself and others. The latter is the most important because if you only validate your self-worth through external approval, you will always continue to chase it and never feel enough.
Denying praise is denying the evidence that you are enough.
Practice self-praise by acknowledging daily micro wins and the significant milestones. It's not only about wins but kind, compassionate and encouraging self-talk.
Final thoughts
Growth is never easy; it requires going through the discomfort of feeling out of your depth and all the fears of being judged and not being perfect.
When you take the plunge and begin, and the voices of fear and criticism show up, remind yourself, 'this is normal; I'm supposed to feel like this'.
How do you move through this? Continue to show up and persevere, and like my daughter, you will look back and be astounded that what seemed so daunting is now second nature to you.
Share the message if you're a parent, uncle, or aunt or can influence kids. Let them know that challenge is part of the journey and that feeling uncomfortable is how they get better.
It sounds obvious, but they need to know it's part of growth to avoid challenges rather than make them their compass.
Here's to your continued growth.
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
More articles by Lori
