by Lori Milner
Would you ever choose to watch a bad movie twice? Probably not. Yet when it comes to something we dread or even something painful that happened in the past, we replay it repeatedly. Every time you play the movie in your mind, the picture gets brighter, and the sounds more intense. Some of us have been playing the movie for years, preventing us from making progress on what matters most. So what can you do about it?
Although the fear is still real for you, it's also important to know you are in charge of it and can choose a better way to approach situations, so you are always in control of how you respond. You cannot change the external world or circumstances, but you are always in complete control of your inner world. Here are some things you can do to feel the fear but use it as fuel:
Own your attitude.
My son constantly worries about missing the plane or train whenever we travel. We have never missed a single flight, so I asked him why he added such unnecessary stress to the day, especially since we are punctual and efficient travellers.
His answer astounded me – he said he would rather have low expectations and be delighted when we make the plane rather than risk feeling disappointed.
I explained to him that he was ruining the entire experience for himself because everything up to the point of getting on the plane became painful and stressful.
My advice to him comes from the 13th-century poet Rumi: 'Live life as if everything is rigged in your favour'. It's adopting the attitude of expecting the best. Expect everything to go according to plan, and then if it doesn't, ask yourself – how can I now appreciate this as a gift? Maybe it's more time; maybe it's an opportunity to grow.
If you fear disappointment or things going wrong, how can you shift your attitude to live life as though everything is rigged in your favour? What if you rehearse success instead of rehearsing failure and the worst-case scenario?
You can dissolve any fear when you approach a situation with this attitude.
Focus on what you can control.
Fear becomes amplified when you focus on the things you can't control. You fear someone's reaction in a difficult conversation; you fear the weather if you have something planned and then imagine the worst-case scenario and start playing it in the cinema in your mind.
Seneca says, 'We suffer more in imagination than in reality'. Let go of what you can't control and focus on what you can. This includes your thoughts, beliefs, attitude and actions.
Perhaps you must deliver an important presentation, and fear takes over. Preparation is the antidote to your nerves. Apart from physically rehearsing the content, do you have a backup of the presentation on your PC, a memory stick and even email it to yourself as a third backup?
Remember, there will be situations where all you can control is your breath, but a few deep belly breaths are enough to neutralise the adrenaline in your body and shift your state from reacting to mindfully responding.
What is the story you tell yourself?
When you find yourself moving into a fearful place, stop and question what is the story you are telling yourself. If your story is that you're introverted and have awful people skills, or you're bad with numbers and technology – you fill in the blank, this will prevent you from taking action on your goals.
Is your story fuelling the fear and keeping you playing small?
Remember to separate the facts and your story about the facts. Fear only shows up when you create a story about it – go for the interview, sign up for the course, publish the article, put your hand up in the meeting – don't create a story about what could go wrong before you do it.
If your story is not serving you, it's time to write a better one. Perhaps you did have a bad experience in your past, this is one chapter, and you don't have to keep it in the final edit. You can take the lesson and rewrite a new story where you use your fear as fuel or keep it in the 'bloopers' and laugh at yourself.
Who is narrating the story?
The most important conversations you have are the ones with yourself. When facing a situation of uncertainty or challenge, take ownership of your self-talk. Are you allowing the inner critic to take over and anticipate the worst?
Your thoughts and beliefs are the operating systems that run your story. Is your belief that terrible things always happen to me? Or do I need to sacrifice my personal life to be successful? Or does stillness equal stagnation?
Most of your beliefs were inherited or created long ago in a different phase of your life. Sit in the question 'what am I still believing that is triggering my fear?". Is it true? And if not, what is a better belief to replace it?
When your fear shows up, tune into the inner coach to encourage you and be your own cheerleader.
Choose your words.
What impacts the story you tell yourself is the words you use to narrate the story. What if instead of telling yourself you're terrified, you tell yourself you are excited? Fear and excitement produce the same biochemical reaction – sweating, elevated heart rate or butterflies in your tummy.
We all have a pattern of language to narrate our day, creating a pattern of emotions. What elevates fear are words like frightening, it's a nightmare, it's terrifying. Just saying these out loud will spike your adrenaline and cortisol levels. Here are some words to consider replacing them with:
How do you label the situation?
When facing a challenge or the unknown, your fear will escalate based on the meaning you give to the situation. If you lose your job, you can label it as the end of the beginning. Could it be an opportunity to explore that passion that has been niggling at you for ages?
Your fear will be amplified if you tell yourself you're being punished versus the meaning that you are being called to grow.
The antidote to fear is faith. You cannot see fear, and you cannot see faith but choosing to believe in the latter allows you to adopt the meaning that life happens for you, not to you.
It doesn't change the situation but shifts how you will show up to it and navigate your way through it. When facing tough times, choose faith over fear.
Micro-wins are the antidote to inaction.
Fear often prevents you from taking action on what matters most, even if the goal is essential.
It's the fear of failure, fear of not being perfect, fear of success or fear of disappointment, and I am sure there are many more that come to mind.
This becomes a vicious cycle because the more you stay paralysed by fear, the worse you feel. It is not taking action that escalates the fear and intensifies it.
The antidote to anxiety is exposure. How can you move ahead and take action one micro-win at a time? A micro-win is the first LEGO brick of the whole structure. Is it a ten-minute walk if your goal is to be fitter? It can be one page, one mindful breath, or one comment in a meeting.
Progress is what motivates you through fear. Trust the process of creating daily wins and turn down the volume of the inner critic who tells you that you should be further by now.
How can you replace the habit of fear with the habit of starting?
Final thoughts.
Fear is a projection of the mind, so if you can create it, you can also control it.
Choose to create something beyond fear because that is where you find your real strength. Rather than focus on what you will lose, ask yourself what you will gain.
What if you focus on the cost of inaction instead of fearing action? Where will you be one month, six months or three years from now if you continue to let the fear win?
Replace fear with the question, 'what if?'. What if you do achieve your goals? What if you do make your vision a reality? What if everything does go according to plan? What if there is something even more impressive on the other side of your courage zone?
You can never control the result, but you can master your fear by taking action one micro win at a time.
Courage supersedes confidence. You cannot think your way out of fear; you must show yourself that you can do it. Every time you master your fear, you create evidence that you are the kind of person who can feel the fear and do it anyway.
Here's to owning your fear,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
More articles by Lori
We don't choose to be stressed or anxious. When life gets tough, we often fall back on habits that seem helpful but actually make us more tired and worried. The starting point is to create an awareness of the habits that have a misalignment between intention and impact.