by Lori Milner
I've read many articles about life lessons people wished they had known earlier. Arguably this could have given me a better start, but the truth is had I known what I know now, I wouldn't have experienced the growth and discomfort that has shaped me into who I am today.
There are specific lessons you can only appreciate with experience. You're often only ready to see something or adopt a particular perspective once life has taught you first-hand. I have reflected on some of my favourite life lessons that I have come to appreciate in my forties that I'm glad my twenty-something self-did not know:
#1 Beware intention vs impact.
As a coach and trainer, energy management is a topic I am very passionate about. Knowing the sleep research and its link to cognitive ability, I want to ensure my kids get the maximum benefit of a whole night's sleep.
Although my intention was to ensure everyone was going to bed 'on time', I was creating tension around the bedtime routine. Rather than feel excited when one of the kids wanted to do a dancing show at her bedtime, I was thinking about how late it would make everything. My intention came from a good place, but the execution did not match.
I've learnt that when I dropped the tension and allowed things to unfold at their own pace, the kids got to sleep on time, even with the extra shows.
You can hold the intention for how you want to show up but drop the tension around it having to be perfect. When you drop that intense charge and try to control every external aspect, you will feel more relaxed, as will the people around you.
Have you ever experienced this when you needed to prepare for an early office meeting? Rather than go through your morning without the emotional charge, you begin to rush and create massive tension for yourself.
The more you rush, the more you slow down by doing silly things like dropping things in the shower or moving too quickly and spilling your coffee.
Again, could you set the intention to leave by a specific time but drop the tension in the process? You'll find, either way, you get the same result. Perhaps you shave off a minute or two with your approach, but if you enjoy your morning routine and move through it calmly, you will feel better, more relaxed and less frazzled.
How does this apply in other areas of your life? Does your best intention still create tension?
#2 When you're triggered, get curious.
When you judge someone or feel jealous of another person, pause and ask yourself, 'what is it about them that is being triggered in me?'.
Author Dr John Demartini says that when you are jealous of someone, it is connected to the part of yourself that you have disowned. I had a client who was jealous of a particular woman in advertising who launched a highly successful agency and was the same age as her. It wasn't only the company she founded but the level of work she was producing.
My client had not given herself the time to work on her creative pursuits and held back on putting her work 'out there'. The jealousy reminded her that she has the same ability and is angry with herself for holding it back. Everything this other woman has created is entirely within her ability to do too.
Author Byron Katie suggests taking your judgements about other people and turning them around to reveal the truth.
If you judge someone and say, 'they should give me unconditional love,'. The turnaround becomes 'I should give myself unconditional love'.
I have discovered many insights and truths through Katie's work, and I highly recommend that you learn her teachings. It frees you of many false beliefs and allows the truth to come out in full force.
#3 Life has its own timing plan.
When you say, 'I should be further by now; I should have achieved this by now,' – it's a warning bell.
We all create a blueprint of how we think life should be, and when your blueprint doesn't match your reality, you begin to judge yourself and feel despondent.
When did you create this blueprint? Probably in your twenties or a different life stage when you had fewer responsibilities.
Firstly, question if your blueprint is still what you want, and if it is, what are you doing to take action? If you are taking action, accept that this is where you are meant to be right now. If you resist reality and fight with the fact that you should have this title or this bank balance, you will only frustrate yourself.
Nature doesn't rush its process; it knows exactly what it needs to do and when and the seasons flow at their own perfect pace. You can't will the leaves to fall off sooner than you want them to and staring at the trees daily wishing they would is an exercise in futility.
Rather than beat yourself up, replace frustration with contentment and gratitude. Dr Demartini says that gratitude is the key to fulfilment because 'whatever you think about- and thank about- you bring about'.
Gratitude moves you away from lack – what you haven't achieved – where you should be and replaces it with what you have and the resources and gifts in your life.
You can continually update your blueprint to align with who you are today and what you truly want. Not everything on paper is going to make you happy in reality. The older you get, the more you realise things like flexibility, autonomy and a content headspace matter more than hours in front of a computer.
#4 Do your day your way.
By now, you've seen a pattern that the word 'should' is a mind sneaker. Starting the day thinking, 'what should I do today?' sends you into anxiety because what if it's wrong?
Thinking about how you should do it might mean you are trying to copy someone else's blueprint perfectly rather than live your own imperfectly.
Doing your day your way means planning, reflecting and assessing your priorities so you can work backwards from your deadlines and schedule your weeks accordingly. Discipline is freedom because when you know what has to be done, you can begin to navigate your days your way and include time for the activities that recharge you.
Start to live by design and become the architect of your calendar rather than its victim. Here's an exercise you can do to help you create days you never want to escape from again:
Exercise: My ideal day
Craft your dream "ideal day" on a typical day of the week.
What does it look like?
Could you compare your dream day to your current daily schedule?
· What could be improved?
· What are you not making enough time for?
· What do you need more of, and what do you need less of?
#5 Waking up early is a game-changer.
In my twenties, the thought of waking up at 5 am would be a punishment. Why would you ever willingly interrupt your sleep? I only learned the value of waking up earlier when my kids were born; this was not by choice but by necessity.
As I had less disposable time for myself, I had to create more hours, and the only option was to train myself to sleep earlier to wake up earlier.
Let me tell you, it was awful to get used to the new routine, but change happens when you link pleasure to a new behaviour rather than pain. Previously, waking up early was painful and punishment, but when I knew what I would gain by an extra hour to myself, I began to associate it with pleasure, so waking up became more manageable because I dropped the story about feeling sorry for myself.
My morning is my happy place; I am a much better version of myself when I am making time to journal, meditate, do yoga and exercise. I have to pick and choose what to do on certain days, but I feel energised and whole because of it.
Most people complain that they don't have time to think and plan, but you must create the space. Even fifteen minutes of quality alone time to think will give you the clarity you need.
Start with fifteen minutes and build up from there; when you can create the system of this time to yourself, you will naturally drop the guilt because you will associate this precious space for yourself as a non-negotiable.
#6 Control is the ultimate illusion.
When you let go of trying to control your external world and accept that this choice is an illusion, you will experience a gentler headspace.
The need to control is a catalyst for anxiety; this has been a life lesson of note. When I get anxious, the first question I ask myself is, what am I focusing on? It's generally in the realm of lack – the clients I still want, the things I still want to do or something I have no control over.
What I have learnt is simply that the things I cannot control, let go of. If I cannot influence the situation in any shape or form, I step back and accept that whatever the circumstances are, I can handle them and trust it will be in my best interest. Faith is an interesting antidote to anxiety because it's a form of certainty without any certainty.
What I mean is that I have learnt to trust that even if a situation doesn't go the way I would like, it doesn't mean it's the wrong result. It means I need to have faith that there is a lesson for me or that something even better is showing up, and I need to be open to it even though it doesn't come in the packaging I wanted.
The second and more empowering solution is action because exposure is the ultimate antidote to anxiety.
Perhaps you think calling someone will go badly, so you delay the conversation, escalating your anxiety. When you decide to have a chat, you are often pleasantly surprised. It's the delay and lack of action that escalates you into fear.
Perhaps you want to start an exercise program but have created a story about how painful it will be, or everyone will judge you when you walk into the gym. Go to the gym and prove to yourself that no one is interested in anyone else except themselves. As Seneca says, we suffer more in imagination than in reality.
When anxious, spend a few minutes reflecting on your wins and successes. The evidence of action gives you courage; after all, courage supersedes confidence.
Final thoughts.
The beauty of personal mastery is that it never ends. The more you think you've grasped a lesson, the universe presents something to challenge you and remind you of what you may have forgotten. These are only six of hundreds of lessons, but they continually help me to live by design.
#1 Beware intention vs impact.
#2 When you're triggered, get curious.
#3 Life has its own timing plan.
#4 Do your day your way.
#5 Waking up early is a game-changer.
#6 Control is the ultimate illusion.
Here's to the never-ending journey of personal mastery,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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We don't choose to be stressed or anxious. When life gets tough, we often fall back on habits that seem helpful but actually make us more tired and worried. The starting point is to create an awareness of the habits that have a misalignment between intention and impact.