by Lori Milner
How would you rate your last conversation out of ten – ten being where the other person felt seen and truly heard and one being where you were so focused on your own inner chatter that you don't even remember what was said? Now, if you scored less than an 8, it's time for a new set of skills. I'm not going to tell you to nod and show you are paying attention because a great listener doesn't need to prove they can listen. A great listener must show the other person they have been heard. A great listener helps other people share more.
Here are some ways you can dramatically shift and improve your conversations:
What level are you playing at?
Before you enter a conversation, consider your true intention. There are three levels of listening:
Listen to win
This is when your intention is to prove you are right and your way is the right way. It is purely ego-driven, with little openness or curiosity about another opinion or option.
When you listen to win, you will be defensive and possibly cross the line of aggression because you are defending the territory of your opinion.
In this scenario, you may achieve the desired result, but the other person will not feel heard, and passive-aggressive behaviour tends to follow.
Listen to fix
This is when you are not truly hearing the other person because you are too busy figuring out how to solve this problem for them.
You may give them what you consider great advice, but they may not feel heard because they are seeking a sounding board, not a solution.
Listen to learn and understand
When you enter a situation, be present and open to what they say. There is curiosity and a genuine desire to understand where they are coming from. You cannot learn from someone when judging them; you must first understand them if you wish to have any influence.
From this place of understanding, you can bring empathy and compassion.
When I get triggered by someone in a conversation, I immediately ask myself, what can I learn from this person? If I let my personal preferences interfere, I cannot be present. If I am open to learning from them, I will always walk away richer from the experience. Perhaps I learnt something about myself, and what annoys me in them is what I need to work on in my life.
You don't have to agree with them, but now you have a basis to continue the conversation.
Now ask yourself – what level are you playing at, and how is this creating challenges for your work and personal relationships?
Reframe what value means
Most people value solving a situation; they feel valuable if they have contributed to the solution. Not being able to fix the problem makes some people feel worthless.
What if you reframe value to bringing your full presence, not your advice? Sometimes, all you can do for someone is to hold space for them to go through what they need to.
Words can seldom solve a problem for people, and remember, when you try to 'make it go away', they may feel like you are brushing off their problem and not taking it seriously.
Most people want someone to listen and feel heard; the act of sharing is what they are looking for.
If you tend to default to problem-solving and advice-giving, how about telling them you are sorry about what they are going through and that you are there for them? If they want your advice, they will most likely ask you for it.
Shift your focus to contribution
The first two levels of listening have a focus on yourself. When you listen to win or listen to fix, you are concerned about your agenda and how YOU can add value. If you're honest, little focus is on the other person as your primary agenda.
When you listen to learn and understand, you shift into contribution and how you can serve them in that conversation. When you focus on the other person, you can tune into what they need: presence, empathy and compassion.
Understanding allows a new lens of empathy – you are seeing the situation outside in rather than inside out and projecting your world onto them. When you can understand their perspective, you can see the situation in a new light, opening up new possibilities.
I've been in situations where all the other person wanted was a hug, not words. This was enough to fill them up and be seen. They didn't expect the other person to lighten or change their load. They wanted to know they matter.
I am not saying you should go and hug your colleagues at work, but I am encouraging you to think about what the other person wants, not what will make you feel like you have added value.
Meet the person where they are, and it will always be a rewarding conversation.
Final thoughts
Self-awareness is the meta-habit of sustainable change.
When you enter your next conversation, become the witness and notice your default intention.
If you want to launch into being 'the fixer', insert a mental pause button and take a deep breath. Wait.
You'll be amazed at what happens; the other person will probably share more.
Rather than have a series of lines you can insert, what if you're genuinely present to whatever they are saying? If you go in with a plan, you lose the intention to listen to learn.
Sometimes, the most effective thing you can do is stay silent. Silence can disarm some people; they must fill it in with small talk.
Silence can catalyse true sharing; if you ask someone a question and then try filling in the blanks, you are effectively stepping on their thoughts. Give them time to process their response, and you can follow suit.
To be a better listener, set the intention of presence and stay open no matter what they say.
How do you stay open? Simple, just don't close.
Here's to being a better listener.
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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