by Lori Milner
During the holiday break, we took the kids to do indoor climbing on a rainy day. My son objected from the moment we arrived and cried all the way until we reached the entrance of the venue. When he looked inside and saw how incredible this place was – it had everything from different types of climbing walls to mazes, obstacle courses and trampolines. Now when he saw this, he was running in and didn’t know where to start. Just pure excitement and joy!
After the activity I asked him why he reacted in such a negative and obstinate way at first – as if we were going to take him to a punishment? How could he get so upset before he even saw it?
His answer was so interesting. He told me that he had a memory of a previous climbing wall he once went to which was pretty average and decided this must be the same thing.
The reality is that he had formed a picture in his mind of what he expected it to be – this poky climbing wall - and then started living that reality. He had made up his mind this is the same thing because he is basing it on his past experiences and only reference of what indoor climbing is.
He couldn’t open up his mind to a new possibility because it wasn’t in his frame of reference or experience.
This really intrigued me because this kind of scenario is not limited to kids. How many times have you dreaded an event because of a past experience that was less than satisfying? How often have you avoided an opportunity because you can’t see the possibility of something outside of your experience and memory of it, especially if it had a negative outcome?
It’s easy to laugh at my son’s reaction but it’s ingrained in us – it’s what we naturally default to – well last time, I tried this….’ They say kids are our greatest teachers and indeed he opened up my eyes that day.
So the next time an opportunity presents itself – avoid the picture in your mind of what you have already decided it’s going to be or how it once was and open up your mind to the possibility of what could be waiting for you if only you are prepared to show up with no expectation.
‘We must let go of any expectations of how life should be, in order to experience how life can be’. Debra L Reble, PHD.
Even if you do open up your mind to something new, it’s still pretty daunting right? When your mind starts to default to its usual self-doubt and dread mode – direct it back with this simple phrase
‘What if?’
David Goggins, former Navy Seal and author says ‘What if is an exquisite ‘I’ll show you’ to anyone who has ever doubted your greatness or stood in your way. It silences negativity. It’s a reminder that you don’t really know what you’re capable of until you put everything you’ve got on the line.’
Why is it so important to create this kinds of self-dialogue? In his book, Can’t Hurt Me, David reminds us that ‘it’s not the external voice that will break you down. It’s what you tell yourself that matters. The most important conversations you’ll ever have are the ones you’ll have with yourself. You wake up with them, you walk around with them, you go to bed with them, and eventually you act on them. Whether they be good or bad.
We are all our own worst haters and doubters because self-doubt is a natural reaction to any bold attempt to change your life for the better. You can’t stop it from blooming in your brain, but you can neutralize it, and all the other external chatter by asking, What if?’
Here’s to letting go of expectation and just showing up.
Warm wishes
Lori
LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
Read more articles by Lori...
