by Lori Milner
‘My mind is like a bad neighbourhood, I try not to go there alone.’
– Ann Lamott
We all experience the typical daily dose of circling thoughts – like a recorder going off in our heads reminding us of what needs to happen in the day from who needs what books for school to what projects and tasks need to get done for work.
However in times of uncertainty, these thoughts become amplified by anxiety and fear. If this constant spiral of thoughts are left unattended, they tend to result in behaviours like procrastination and overwhelm because eventually you feel too powerless or uncertain to move forward.
If these thoughts are neglected further, they start to drain your energy tank. Imagine you opened every app in your phone and left them running all day, it won’t take long before the battery is in the red. Likewise, not only does it drain you emotionally but physically. Do you find yourself exhausted and in a constant brain fog despite having slept and eaten properly?
You can’t change the fact that stress will always be a part of life but you can change how you respond to it. Here are steps you can take to reduce and hopefully eliminate the cycle of repetitive restless thoughts and start to create a better mental neighbourhood:
1. Become aware of the thought
“What you are aware of, you can control. What you are not aware of is in control of you’ – Anthony De Mello – Awareness.
Negative self-talk is often unconscious and you’re not even aware that it’s happening. It’s not just in the way you speak to yourself; it’s also the unconscious words and phrases that pepper your daily thoughts like: I’d better; I must. These phrases are commonly referred to as ‘Mind Sneakers’ and cause you to put unnecessary pressure on yourself and are often the catalyst for the roller coaster of anxiety.
When those thoughts appear in your mind, simply notice them. It is a habitual pattern. Habits are not only physical activities like brushing your teeth but mental thought patterns that play like a record player on repeat. Once you know it is there, you can start to take action.
Cultivate this self-awareness by keeping a thought journal for the next week and become conscious of the words you use and keep a lookout for the destructive narrative of ‘I should be’.
‘I should be further by now, I should have more clients, I should have more money’… it’s exhausting!
You are setting your standards by someone else’s design or you may have unrealistic expectations during this Covid-19 pandemic. The ‘should be’ thinking creates further unease and fear. You are constantly chasing a version of a life that you may not actually want. Or you live in the illusion that once you get the salary, the client list, the house, etc. then you will finally be happy and ready to enjoy your life.
Author and personal development Guru, Tony Robbins says we all have an internal blueprint of how we think life ‘should be’. When the blueprint doesn’t match your reality, you start to feel despondent and frustrated. The way to move forward is to either take a different set of actions in order to create more alignment or very simply, change the blueprint by changing your thinking and dropping the unrealistic expectations of yourself.
How can you escape this spiral?
Replace the word ‘should’ for ‘want’. Instead of starting the day with the question ‘what should I be doing today?’ ask yourself ‘what do I want to do today?’ It is very subtle but it is the difference of cultivating an attitude based on creativity and intuition versus fear and overwhelm.
‘Should’ creates pressure and a feeling of what if it’s wrong or what if I am making a mistake? Now you find it difficult to commit to the task at hand and thinking about what else is on your plate and the other options of where your attention could possibly go. Eventually, you reach a point of decision fatigue and ultimately your productivity gets hampered.
‘Want’ is about connecting to yourself and doing it your way. This is not only relevant to your professional life, think about how you spend your downtime and weekends. Do you resist free time because you feel guilty of what you should be doing or do you take the gap for some much needed recovery time?
Maria’s story – how she reconciled her blueprint
Recently a client of mine, Maria, reached out for some advice. She has her own skin aesthetics business and I assumed the reason for the call was business related, perhaps how her ability to trade has been affected during lockdown. It turns out, this was not the case at all. She started the conversation with the phrase ‘I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m not sure where I should be focusing my attention’. Just to put it into context – apart from being a business owner, Maria has 5 children who are all being home schooled.
Maria constantly felt like she should be doing more on the business side such as marketing or continuing a new branding project she started prior to Covid-19. When she had to spend her time with her kids on activities, school and homework, she couldn’t be present with them mentally because she was worrying about the business. She had these looping thoughts about ‘what she could be and should be doing’. This stressed her so much, she landed up with terrible migraine headaches that resulted in her being bedridden for 2 days.
It isn’t that she didn’t want to be with her kids, she just didn’t know how to reconcile her blueprint so that her actual and ideal reality were aligned.
In order for Maria to get back on track, she had to aim for daily progress on her own work. She planned for the week ahead and was deliberate with what she wanted to accomplish each day and took daily doses of action based on the time available to her.
It is not about dropping work commitments or not performing but having a realistic expectation of what can happen in a day. It was about releasing herself from the ‘busy’ work that she had convinced herself was necessary like a branding project in the middle of lockdown when in fact it was a distraction and a false sense of accomplishment.
The inner critic reveals itself…
Her negative thinking and guilt came down to one fundamental thing – she was measuring her self-worth solely on work criteria – what she had got done that day, what she could say she achieved and have something tangible to validate the day. Once she became aware of the internal dialogue, she could give herself permission to shift priorities during this time and find a different measure of self-worth.
Her lesson was that contribution can show it itself in many ways and it is a decision to derive value from the way you spend your time. Once she could make peace with this, all the guilt and ‘should be’ thinking dropped. When she was working on the business, she could be fully focused and present; likewise when she was with her kids, she could give them the support they needed without the underlying tension.
I received a message one week later that letting go of the ‘should be’ thinking and embracing the ‘I want to’ narrative has changed her entire experience of lockdown. She has released the pressure from herself and the incessant looping cycle of negative thoughts has gone down drastically.
Does this sound familiar?
Are you forcing this unnecessary pressure on yourself because that’s how you are used to getting things done?
Are you basing your entire self-worth only on work commitments and external factors?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, I hope Maria’s story has inspired you to be kinder to yourself and let go of the ‘should be’ narrative.
2. Interrupt the pattern
‘Every thought you think and every word you say forms a blueprint and your mind must work to make that blueprint real.’ – Marisa Peer
Once you are aware when the circling thoughts and spiral of negative self-talk begins, interrupt the pattern by asking yourself – ‘where is the proof?’ For example, ‘I should be further by now, I am not good enough because I don’t have X amount in the bank’. Where is the proof?
The truth is that there is no proof, unfortunately it is just destructive thinking. You are focusing on the blueprint you created, the story of where you think you should be. Suffering happens when your actual reality is not aligned to the picture you had in your mind of the ideal reality. Once you can see the thought is not based on fact, let the thought go and find a better one to replace it.
Interrupt the thought with gratitude
Gratitude is such a powerful tool in managing your mind, it is not just about writing in a journal. In the moment where anxiety hits or the negative thought attacks, deflect it with gratitude. It is the secret weapon that is always in your back pocket; it is the kryptonite to anxiety. Find something to be grateful for to shift your awareness to a more positive place. Over time, you are training yourself to focus on what you have and not what is missing.
Choose a better question to focus on
You can also interrupt the thought with a question. Replace the thoughts of ‘Why am I not further along? Or ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ to ‘What is this here to teach me?; What can I do to connect more to my family today?; ‘How can I add value to my clients today?’ This is such a powerful tool because it forces your whole mind to reboot.
You can pull yourself out of the rabbit hole of negativity and gloom to a more energised and creative place. Tim Ferriss says ‘All that stands between you and what you want is a better set of questions’. Your mind is a super computer and will provide the information based on the questions you ask it; if you want better thoughts, ask better questions.
Defuse the thought with humour
You could also make it comical by creating a character in your mind to represent this critical voice. For example, a little furry green gremlin and name it Bob or a fussy old woman and name her ‘Miss Grumpy’. When the negative spiral begins – cut it off and say ‘enough Bob – go back to your room’. Or ‘That’s quite enough of you Miss Grumpy’.
It’s like a toddler having a tantrum. If you keep paying attention to it, the screaming gets louder. But if you ignore the child, eventually it’s going to realise that this strategy isn’t working and quiet down. Same thing – the more you pay attention to this voice and indulge the thought, the louder it becomes. Have fun with it…I’m not saying don’t take it seriously but listening to this self-destructive voice is the difference between self-sabotage and self-leadership.
Choose the technique that works for you – the goal is to find your way to turn down the volume of the negative self-talk before it paralyses you to inaction and worse, you begin to believe it’s true. When you can interrupt the pattern and cut the thoughts off as you become aware of them then you will find they start to dissipate.
3. Create a default thought
‘The first rule of your mind is, what you expect you realize, so expect amazing things.’ – Marisa Peer
Now that you have interrupted the pattern, you need to act quickly to move your thoughts to a more constructive place. The solution is to create a default thought. This can be an affirmation or a mental image. For example, a client of mine is starting a new business in a totally different industry. When she sits down to work on the plan or do research, the destructive thoughts start up. ‘Are you sure you can do this, you don’t know what you’re doing, this won’t work, you’re wasting your time’.
Her default thought is an image of herself invoicing a client for a huge order. If you are scared of flying, you can close your eyes and imagine yourself safely at the destination enjoying a beautiful meal. Before a big talk, I always picture myself sending my husband a message telling him ‘I nailed it!’ This settles the butterflies and makes sure they get back into formation.
This is not lying to yourself, it is giving your mind somewhere to focus that is going to serve you in the moment rather than sabotage you. By picturing these positive words and images, you reduce your cortisol levels and results in less stress and anxiety. Fear and excitement create the identical physiological reactions in your body. Think about 2 events in your life – perhaps a wedding day or graduating or landing a great position at work. Now think about going on a massive roller coaster or doing a daunting presentation to a large group of people. Both result in hands sweating, your heart rate going up and butterflies in your stomach.
The reason the default thought works so well is because it provides a context for your brain. Your default thought can be ‘I am excited to do this’. When I started mountain biking lessons with my coach, she would push me to do things I definitely didn’t think I was ready for like going down incredibly steep and narrow hills with rocks on either side. She seemed to think I could manage so I closed my eyes and told myself ‘I am excited to ride down this hill’. Truthfully, I was petrified but I couldn’t let the fear take over, more realistically, my ego didn’t want to let the fear win. The good news is I succeeded and rode the hill without falling!
A default thought is about providing an alternative focus point for your mind in the moment so make sure you have one ready, especially before a courageous conversation or a presentation or any situation where you know you are going to be triggered. Energy flows where awareness goes. Do you want to drain yourself and focus on the negative thoughts which have no truth whatsoever or do you want to train your brain to break the pattern and focus on what will empower you and change your state?
Conclusion
“If you want to do more, be more and have more, it all begins with the voice that no one hears” – Tim Ferriss
Managing your mind is a seriously important self-leadership skill to develop during this pandemic and beyond. It is the difference between operating in stress and overwhelm versus a calm confidence. Follow the simple process of becoming aware of your thinking, interrupting the pattern and creating a default thought in order to make your mind a much more enjoyable place to be.
This practice is more than just telling yourself empowering thoughts or visualising in the moments that you go down the rabbit hole of negativity. Every thought you think is a micro choice and affects the trajectory of how you spend your days. Author, Dr Joe Dispenza, reminds us:
“It makes sense that we should concentrate not merely on avoiding negative emotions, like fear and anger, but also on consciously cultivating heartfelt, positive emotions, such as gratitude, joy, excitement, enthusiasm, fascination, awe, inspiration, wonder, trust, appreciation, kindness, compassion and empowerment to give us every advantage in maximizing our health.
Every time we have a thought, we make a chemical. If we have good thoughts, we make chemicals that make us feel good. And if we have negative thoughts, we make chemicals that make us feel exactly the way we are thinking.”
Unfortunately, this is not a full proof formula and even when you know it, you can still get triggered and caught up in the daily stresses and start to believe that inner critic. Mindfulness is called a practice for a reason but the more awareness you can begin to bring to your thinking, the easier it will become to navigate the time ahead.
With daily practice, you can train your brain to think differently and you will begin to act differently. In the words of Benjamin Disraeli – “Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.”
Here’s to owning your headspace,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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