by Lori Milner
I was asked to present a master class on self-leadership to a new client for their team of 8 women. It was a fantastic morning and I was feeling really good… except when it came to the Q&A part of the session. Clearly, I may have ruffled some feathers and was faced with some rather defensive questions from the senior client. Now this often happens as people are faced with a huge dose of self-awareness and if they don’t love what they see, there are two possible reactions: Number 1 – they reflect, take accountability and decide to make a change to shift from where they are to where they want to be. Number 2 – they blame and deflect all responsibility.
I consider myself high on the EQ scale and can remove myself from the situation and not take it personally. But that day was different for me.
I left feeling defeated, like I had let the entire team down and had blown it in front of the senior client. I had a few hours to reflect and realized I didn’t do anything wrong. I had awoken something in this person, and they needed to make some big decisions. I also received feedback from some of the other participants that they loved the session which made me feel better.
Later that evening, I was presenting the same master class to a group of entrepreneurs. It was so well received; the participants were so hungry for the knowledge and they all left with a feeling of excitement of how to inject this new awareness into their businesses and themselves. When I got home, I felt so energized and excited about how the session went.
Now – I’m not writing this to boast in any way. I had a massive A-HA moment at the end of the day. Reflecting on the morning session, in a space of 5 minutes, I had completely given my power and sense of self-worth away. I had linked my self-worth as a person, as a speaker, my whole career – to someone’s approval of my me and my work.
When I received such positive feedback and energized responses from the evening group – I was happy again, justified and I felt validated. I had ‘earned’ back my sense of self-worth.
I realized from that day – you have to walk into a room feeling enough despite the outcome. If you give your power away to the next criticism, snotty email or strange look – you will always be chasing other’s approval of you and stay in the zone of ‘not enough’.
It’s called an external locus of control – we place our self-worth on things external to us. And we do it all the time. We link our worth to numbers – to the number on the scale, the number in our bank account, the number of friends we have, number of likes or number of sales we make. It will always feel like you are chasing the rainbow if you put your sense of self-worth on things you have zero control over.
Imagine yourself as a battery pack, you know the ones you carry around for your phone? You need to start the day on full charge, you can’t have the mind-set that another person, another meeting, another sale (fill in the blank) will charge that battery for you.
Have you ever tried to charge your Apple phone on an Android charger? It’s just not going to happen. It’s the same with you. Don’t try put your self-worth or acceptance of yourself in the hands of another person. You may just not be compatible, and they will never be able to charge your battery.
The next time you walk into the boardroom, meeting, pitch, class or just dropping the kids at school – arrive fully charged because only you can charge yourself. Irrespective of how the day goes, make the decision to back yourself. And for those days when you are just feeling half full, then make sure you surround yourself with people who love and support you. They are compatible chargers and the people you should surround yourself with. The ones who are negative, doubters and not in your corner – avoid them because no matter how hard you try, they are just not compatible with your battery and in fact, drain you quicker.
Here’s to owning your self-worth,
Warm wishes
Lori
LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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