Own your Ask

By Lori Milner: author, entrepreneur, thought leader and founder of Beyond the Dress

If there’s something you want, something you really want, such as a raise, a bigger opportunity, more responsibility, a chance to prove yourself, constructive feedback, or even a little extra help around the house, do you ask for it? Many of us don’t.

Many of us live with self-limiting beliefs or we repeat disempowering stories to ourselves such as, I don’t really deserve to earn that much. Or, I can’t ask for more money, I’ll look greedy. The most common things that stop us from asking for what we want are insecurity and fear: fear of appearing weak, of appearing arrogant or entitled, of being humiliated, of being rejected, and fear of hearing the word ‘no’. But have you ever wondered what would happen if you did ask? Imagine getting a positive response to your request. What would it be like to secure that raise or promotion? Wouldn’t you feel validated and rewarded for all of the work and effort you have made.

We need to start trusting ourselves more and build the confidence and sense of self-worth to ask for what we want. If you could ask for anything you wanted, what would it be? What is stopping you from asking? What have you not asked for in the past that you now regret? How might your life be different if you had asked? Conversely, what have you asked for and received? Here are some tried and tested techniques from ‘Own your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman’ on how to own your ‘ask’:

Never assume that someone else knows what you want

They must recognise the great work I am doing; I’m sure they will reward me for it. Do you ever find yourself thinking this? Sadly, this situation is rarely the case. If you want to be noticed, you have to be your own advocate. If you want more, you have to learn to ask for it. This holds true for your personal life as much as your professional one. If you’re unhappy about something, you need to speak up in order to change it. If you don’t communicate and ask for what you want, you can’t expect others to guess what’s going on.

The HOW of your ask

The first step is making the decision and giving yourself permission to ask. The second step is crafting a way of asking that feels comfortable for you. We call this the HOW of your ask. Before you begin to build your ask, do the necessary research to ensure that what it is you are asking for is a realistic possibility. You can’t ask for something that is completely unreasonable or unrealistic, like asking for remote working arrangements when company policy strictly prohibits it, or asking for an increase that well exceeds your market related salary. We are not discouraging you from asking, but we are encouraging you to make sure that your asks are well researched, well thought out and persuasively substantiated.

Ask with the right attitude

We do need to learn to ditch the guilt when it comes to asking. As women, many of us have been socialised to be conciliatory and undemanding, which can make us fearful that if we ask for something, we may come across as aggressive and greedy. Sometimes, even when we have the confidence, when we assert ourselves, when we ask the ask we still get a no. But bear in mind that just because someone says no to your current request, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a yes in the future with a change of circumstances. In general, when a woman hears a decision being given as no, she hears, ‘It’s never going to happen.’ In order to overcome our fear of rejection, we need to remember that a decision given as no can sometimes mean ‘not right now’. ‘No’ is not a personal attack. It could simply be a matter of circumstances; for example, the company might be under financial strain and not able to meet your request at this time.

Earn your ask

When asking for anything related to a promotion or increase, you must quantify the value you add and focus on your positive impact to the business. It is not enough to talk about how many hours you have worked, you are judged based on output and effectiveness.

Another way to earn respect and trust is by taking on a new responsibility. One of the most important ways to come out ahead is continually asking for more responsibility. Volunteer for additional assignments. Ask your boss what you have to do to qualify for an increase. Most people do only what is asked of them, but Napoleon Hill, author of The Law of Success, says we need to do more than we are being paid for. This is what will elevate you above your colleagues, so make it your job to keep asking for more. And whenever you are given a new responsibility, do it quickly and do it well. Fewer things are more important in helping you getting paid what you are really worth than your reputation for speed and dependability. Be the kind of person your boss can count on to get a job done quickly and well. Treat every assignment you receive as if it is a test upon which your future career depends. You’ll eventually rise to the level of the responsibility you are willing to accept.

Now – go ahead and ask

When that time comes, build your case like a lawyer would and then approach your boss. Most people simply say that they need more money, but you need a different strategy. Take the emotion out of it. Be logical. Be factual. Put together a list of the jobs that you’re now actively taking on, how many years you’ve been with the company, what the market related salary is and what your qualifications are. List the additional experience you’ve gained and all the new skills you’ve developed. Show the financial impact of your work, the value you add to the bottom line and make your contribution to the company clear.

Practice your ask

Rehearsals are not only for actors. Grab a good friend who values you and understands you, and go over the conversation a few times, especially if a conversation like this doesn’t come naturally to you.

A great way to prepare for the conversation is by saying that number out loud before you go in. Look in the mirror and say, ‘I am worth X.’ It may feel silly at first, but you can’t risk saying the number for the first time in that meeting. You need to own it in your mind first. So prepare, practice and repeat. Go in and do it. If you have done your homework, you will feel safer and far more comfortable.

Cultivate your own Board of Advisors

If you really don’t know where to begin, ask someone who’s already done it before you. Look around – there are so many people who have achieved exactly what you want to. Instead of reinventing the wheel, ask them for their advice. Don’t demand their help; acknowledge their talents and experience, and let them know why you’re specifically coming to them for help. Make them feel appreciated first. Then invite them for a cup of coffee or, if you work with them, offer to bring some coffee to their desk for a quick chat. You’ll be surprised at how willing people are to share their own experiences and advice with you, as long as you acknowledge and honour them.

Time your ask

According to clinical psychologist Dr Colinda Linde, there is research that suggests that the best times for an ask are specifically ‘Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 11 am. On Mondays, people are still easing into the week, and on Fridays they are moving towards party mode,’ she adds. And why 11 am? ‘It’s when you are almost at lunch,’ she says. ‘You are over the worst part of the day. ‘In addition to choosing your time of day, you would also need to look at context. What’s the workload of the person you are asking? Never ask something of someone who isn’t happy – if you can see that they are stressed or in a terrible mood, avoid asking until they are more settled.’ Plan the conversation for a time when your boss is likely to be receptive. So much of what you can get financially and otherwise depends on how the other person feels in the moment – it can be the difference between getting an outright yes or a horrified no.

Be gracious

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance. Sure, you have every right to ask, but make sure the manner in which you do it evokes an open response. Always maintain a professional demeanour, be polite, say please and thank you, and take care not to appear entitled. There are ways you should ask and ways you shouldn’t. When you’re ready to ask for an increase, it needs to be done with a combination of ‘humility, conviction and determination.

Know your plans B, C and D

If your request for an increase is turned down, ask what exactly you can do to get the increase you want at a later time, and ask when that increase will be payable. Be specific. Be clear. If you get the increase, but it’s less than you requested, ask what you need to do to get the rest of your asking salary. Alternatively, if they cannot offer you the full amount immediately, request in writing that the matter is re-assessed in six months’ time. Many of us, especially working moms, admit that we would be satisfied with additional flexibility. If your request for more money is not granted, then know exactly what it is that will make you happy if money is not an option for the company. Your plan B could be: ‘If the increase is not viable at this point, how about I work four days per week?

The future doesn’t belong to those who sit back, wishing and hoping that their lives will somehow become better without changing their behaviour. The future belongs to those people who step up. It belongs to those who ask. So go ahead. Ask for what you want.

Here’s to owning your ask,

Warm wishes,
Lori

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LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.

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