by Safiyyah Boolay-Jappie
Something I am stepping into more and more is Deservingness. My Deservingness muscle is still ridiculously underdeveloped. I strained this very weak muscle twice this morning before my feet even touched the ground. Thankfully, it is a lens with which I am training my mind to observe myself and the interactions and experiences I live through each day.
A lingering question I have is why is it so difficult for so many of us to ask for help? It’s not pride so far as I can tell. Some days ago, I had a session with my client; let’s call her Mary. Mary’s life is a busy one. She Juggles the roles of mother, wife, business owner, manager, woman, daughter, chef, home executive, personal shopper … and a host of others.
Mary prefers to do everything herself. She will delegate reluctantly, if at all; and asking for help fills her with dread because she assumes she will then have to clean up other people’s mistakes and shoddy work. She plays a strong All-or-Nothing game, wanting everything done right or not at all. Her measure of ‘right’ is a mystery not even she can solve. We chuckle about this, but not in a funny-haha kind of way. Our chuckle is pregnant with grief and sorrow.
Mary is a successful business owner, and her business has afforded her many conveniences and a number of life’s luxuries, she had never considered possible for her. Mary has a good marriage, and her children are good humans that she is extremely proud of. Idyllic right?
But Mary is so exhausted and drained, that she is unable to truly connect with all that she has accomplished and in some unintelligible way, she is resentful of it. Mary says her exhaustion is exhausted. Her inner voice is harsh, severe, unrelenting and it’s taking its toll on her. There is no space for her to rest, and whenever she closes her eyes, her brain fires up and leaps around with unceasing chaos.
Ostensibly, there is no space to trust others to delegate to, and there is definitely no space to simply enjoy being a woman, and to celebrate herself and her life. Mary sought out a coach to better organise herself, to become more efficient. Taking some overload off her shoulders and reevaluating the importance and priority of what consumes her was not a consideration for her.
As our session progressed, Mary realised that she couldn’t go on like this any further; that it was time to allow other people, including family members and employees, to help her. She realised sadly that they wanted to help her. She also realised that she really wanted their help. But deep inside of her there was force resisting their overtures. A compulsion.
This is the first step. This awareness is a gateway to letting go of the resistance, the guilt, and the resentment. And the exhaustion. This is a first step to Self-compassion, Self-Care, Self-Love, and Deservingness. We’re still at baby steps. But the direction is promising.
Sometimes, this is best. Small, manageable, and consistent steps. Steps your brain can accept and cooperate with rather than rebel against. I have hope for Mary. I have hope for me. And what about you? Do you ask for help, or do you throw yourself on the altar of over-functioning? How do you feel what you ask for help?
How can I help?
Safiyyah Boolay-Jappie is a life coach, based in South Africa. She helps high achieving, ambitious women to create impactful careers without sacrificing their well-being, themselves, their relationships, and quality of life. She helps women to beat burnout and to thrive. Having worked in the corporate world for 20 years, most of these in complex leadership roles whilst raising two children, she understands the demands being juggled by professional women, both in their professional and personal lives. Today, she wants to share those learnings with other women through her personal coaching and training.
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