by Kathy Mann

In my book Harnessing Stress, I wrote about how expectations can be a source of stress. What we expect of others can lead to disappointment, what others expect from us can lead to stress and what we expect of ourselves can lead to a great deal of unhappiness if we don’t manage it.

Sometimes we have expectations of our loved ones and friends that we fail to express. I expect my husband to become equally irritated by dirty dishes and to proactively wash them. That expectation is never fulfilled I must tell you. We often have unspoken and even subconscious expectations of others that can lead to conflicts and frustrations in our relationships.

What can be done to address these expectations? The first step is to identify the expectations. It is also worth checking if they are realistic as they might need to be adjusted. Next, communication is vital and in sharing those expectations, we offer our loved ones the opportunity to deliver on them.

I now ask my husband explicitly to wash the dishes and I give him a timeframe to ensure that my expectations are clear. When I do this, he is always glad to oblige and I end up with a cleaner kitchen and less frustration and resentment in my marriage.

We also have perceptions of what others expect of us. This might be from our customers, suppliers, employers or loved ones. Sometimes we feel under pressure to deliver on these unspoken expectations which can be a great source of stress, especially if we have other priorities. It is important to have honest conversations about what their true expectations are of us, as we might discover that our assumptions were incorrect, leading to unnecessary stress.

What we expect of ourselves is often way more than what we expect from others and is frequently unrealistic. We expect to be at a certain career level by some stage in our lives, we expect to be a parent by a certain date, we expect to be able to power through the workday when we are struggling with family challenges.

Self-compassion is one of my favourite topics to speak and write about. Do you treat yourself like you would a friend, with love and compassion in times of struggle? Or do you beat yourself up for not coping? Everyone struggles with something, even the most zen of us and we can adjust expectations of ourselves to be kinder and more compassionate.

Just like any other method of personal growth, developing self-compassion doesn’t happen overnight – it is a lifelong journey. Studies have linked high levels of self-compassion to lower levels of stress. For me, that is an incentive to work on being kinder to myself, knowing that I am managing my stress better.

It is worth evaluating your expectations, of yourself and of others, and taking action to manage them effectively. It might mean applying some adjustments to what is realistic to expect of our children, or what is kinder to expect of ourselves. This might look different for you than it does for me, but the concept is the same and is worth pursuing.

Kathy Mann is an author and speaker with a special interest in stress management. She is passionate about guiding people towards their best lives possible in harnessing their strengths and innate talents. She offers a stress re-framing service, which shifts beliefs to be more constructive around stress. She does this by educating her clients about the variety of stress responses that exist and how we can benefit from them. Kathy's books Avoiding Burnout and Harnessing Stress are available at major retailers and online at Amazon. She is a wife and mother of two beautiful daughters and lives in Johannesburg, South Africa.