by Paula Quinsee, Relationship Expert and Author
How many times have you said yes or committed to something and later regretted it? And then find yourself looking for every excuse in the book to get out of said commitment. If this resonates with you, then read on…
We dread it as ‘D-day’ draws nearer, where we are meant to be at the event or engagement we've committed to, or to deliver on a task we said we would do. We find ourselves leaving things to the absolute last minute, trying to avoid it in every way possible, ending up feeling stressed or running around like a headless chicken. So, why do we do this to ourselves?
Usually it is because we fear letting people down or disappointing them, when in fact we end up letting ourselves down for not standing firm and speaking our truth. We take on every request that comes our way, whether its work related, to do with our kids, or even family situations, and before you know it we are so busy we don’t have time to blink. Then we get stressed and frustrated because we’re not getting to all things we’ve said yes to, and we drive ourselves ragged trying to cope with the guilt and pressure we’ve placed on ourselves to meet everyone else’s needs except our own.
If this sounds all too familiar, then you are a ‘yes man’, a people pleaser. Now there’s nothing wrong with being the nice guy and wanting to help others, but when it comes at your own expense you’re going to end up in trouble sooner or later. Running yourself ragged is only going to lead to a wave of emotions ranging from frustration, anger, resentment, unhappiness, to possibly even illness as your body tries to cope with the pressure of it all.
So what can you do about this situation?
- First of all you need to take in a deep breath. Breathing helps to regulate the central nervous system and calms us down.
- Next, get a piece of paper and write down all the tasks or commitments you need to complete and by when.
- Now prioritize them according to importance (0-low – 10-high), date needed by and what resource you need to help you complete the tasks (e.g. your bookkeeper needs to help you complete your tax return).
- Now, go make yourself a cup of tea and take a walk around the garden for at least 10 minutes, then come back to your list.
Often when we are under pressure we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, leaving us with a sense of inadequacy - or procrastinating, putting ourselves under more pressure and so the cycle continues.
Right, now that you’ve had your tea and cleared your mind, let’s tackle the list one by one.
- Look at the tasks that you have prioritised as a high priority (anything above a 6) and review them. Are they really a 6 and above or can some actually be ranked a lower priority.
- Of those tasks you are confident need to be ranked high, what resources do you need in order to complete the tasks, what needs to happen for you to get the resources you need and by when? Create an action list for these tasks.
- Anything ranked a 3 - 6 is considered a low priority. This is usually something we want to do yet the motivation to do it is low, so we need to ask ourselves how badly do we want to do this task? More often than not the answer involves a ‘should, must or have to’. A should, must or have to’ is born from expectations we perceive others have of us when in actual fact it is the expectations we have placed on ourselves.
- Anything below a 3 is stuff that has been on your list for so long that it no longer warrants your attention. Delete it. Take it off the list. Do it now.
- Time for another tea break and a walk around the garden for another 10 minutes.
If you’re not used to tackling tasks like this you are possibly feeling a little guilty, maybe even starting to doubt the ranking you have given some of the tasks on your list and want to go change them. Take in another deep breath and let it go. Know that all is well in this moment.
- Now go back to the items ranked a 3 – 6. Look at them again, Are there any items here that you can say no to? In other words it’s those items you feel you should but deep down if you are completely honest with yourself, you know you don’t want to do them. Got any like that? Right – say no to them and cross them off your list. Do it. Now.
- Once you have done that, focus on completing the tasks you have ranked 6 and above by acquiring the resources you need in order to complete the tasks within the required timeframe.
- Congratulations! You’ve officially broken free of the shackles that have been wearing you down. Now you just need to keep the momentum going and not fall back into the same trap again.
Learning to say no is a liberating exercise; it gives you a sense of being control of your life vs. your life running away with you. The more you listen to your gut as to whether you really want to commit to a task or engagement, the more you will be speaking your truth and living your real essence. The hardest part about learning to say no is the first time you do it; from then on it gets easier I promise! It also allows new opportunities to come into your space because you have cleared out all the baggage that was standing in the way before.
Saying no to other things and people means you are saying yes to you – and that’s important. It gives you a sense of self-love, self-respect, self-care and that you value you and your time. If you don’t value yourself – no one else is going to either.
Go forth and go free to be you and to do the things you want to do in your life and not what you think everyone else wants from you.
Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Expert, Tedx speaker and author of the self-help guide Embracing Conflict. Paula is also a consultant to the TV show, Married at First Sight SA. She works with individuals and organisations to cultivate healthy relationships in both personal and professional arenas by focusing on personal growth and development. Go to www.paulaquinsee.com for more information.
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